TBT: Directions

Head east on Mainstreet

Take a left on Leftist Way

Take a right on Righmost Circle

Green house with the red truck

Do you remember writing directions?

On little scraps of notepaper, napkins, on the backs of business cards that you had in your wallet but can't remember why?

How about maps?

Howe Ave is located on E7, and you would fold out the whole thing til it was the width of the entire car, zeroing in on a little piece of the grid until you found the street you were looking for and then working backwards until you traced a line with your finger.

Go half a generation back and there was a time when maps were free at any gas station brochure rack.

That was back when the person who called "Shot-Gun!" had real responsibilities. Navigation and Stereo DJ.

I was thinking about this cause I had to give my mother directions to my son's school so she could pick him up this week. I could have just given her the address. I mean, she's an adult with access to an iPad, an iPhone, and she knows how to operate a vehicle.

Hell, I probably didn't need to give her an address, I could have just told her the name of the school.

And she wouldn't have even needed to look at a map.

She could have just gotten in her car, held down a single button on her phone and said something like "Siri . . . Directions to [School Name]" and she'd be off. Siri could handle both her playlist and turn by turn directions.

Siri is a better shotgun than my children are.

But here's the thing: There are many ways in and out of my child's school, yet, the most obvious, the most direct, the one Siri would have navigated, also happens to be the most frustratingly ridiculous mess I have ever seen on a daily basis. 

You can only get to it and out of it from a single direction. The roads are narrow, which doesn't stop anyone from parking in the red zones anyway. You've got a lot of big cars being driven by people who don't know how to drive big cars and about 500 children rushing out in a mass exodus.

It's chaos.

And that's before you even get out, which requires an unprotected left hand turn directly into a stop light that refuses to let more than 2.5 pass without going red.

However, if you were to say, go one street further down, you would find ample parking in a cheery shaded neighborhood that is less than a sixty second walk to the front of the school. Upon exiting, you get to skip the unprotected left hand turn entirely and into a right hand turn lane that lets you merge right onto the main road. No stoplight, pass go, collect $200.

Why isn't my way more popular?

Simple.

People are kinda stupid.

Not all people. But lots.

And some people don't like to get out of their cars if they don't absolutely have to.

Guys don't like to get out of their cars because there's a ball game on. Doesn't matter who what when or where, there's a ball game going on at all times.

Girls don't like getting out of their cars because they don't look their best. Hair and make-up is an important part of their identity even when they are happily married and going to the one place where they're least likley to be considered sex objects.

Actually . . . who am I kidding . . . there is no such place.

But setting that aside for another blog and contiuing with the original stream of conscience, when it comes to picking up my son from his school, there is a better way.

And that way requires directions.

Not complicated directions.

But not the kind of directions that any GPS is capable of determining.

We're talking directions from an experienced human.

And I was thinking about this for today's Throw Back Thursday, because giving directions and following directions is eventually going to become a lost art. My sons will probably never have to stop and think about the best way of getting from one place to the next because their minds will already be made for them.

They also won't find themselves at 2am at a gas station in a shady part of Oakland, trying to figure out where the hell they are and waking up a homeless guy and trading a couple of cigarettes for directions on how to get back on the highway.

Not that I want them in dangerous situations, but I do want them to grow old with at least a few good stories.

I remember taking my big guy to visit Stanford and on the way home I exited the campus on a different side than which I came in and had no idea how to get back to the highway. He was sitting in the back I put him in charge of reading the map on my phone and giving me directions. He kept telling me that i needed to get to a certain street, and I kept asking him how to get to that street and he simply didn't know what I meant.

He did not get accepted into Stanford.

Go figure.

My point is back when we had to give and take directions, we had a clear understanding of our starting point and what steps to take to get to our destination. Sure we made a few wrong turns along the way, we got into the wrong lane, or we had to pull off the highway cause Jenny had to pee again, but we learned how to handle being lost.

Our children may never be lost, but they have no idea of where they are or where they are going.

The 40ft POST: What to Expect When Expecting

 Two of my best 'guy' pals are gonna be first time fathers very very soon.

A little less than ten years ago I was going through exactly what they are going through now, which is a laundry list of symptoms, ailments, and enough WebMD to ensure a diagnosis that everyone around me was suffering from lupus.

Now, the second my wife told me that she was pregnant, two things happened simultaniously. One, I quit smoking, and two I had to read everything there possibly was to read on the subject of pregnancy, child rearing and life in general.

I'm still working on the volumes for the second two, but the first one "pregnancy" really only required several encyclopedias of medical terms, and some basic common sense.

After two months and somewhere around $42,000 spent on medical journals I realized there was only one diagnosis and one method of treatment for every thing that ailed my beautiful bride.

The Diagnosis: You're pregnant.

The Treatment: Get some rest.

Every little worry that she had about everything, whether it be something she was feeling or something that her friend told her about, coincidentally was fixed by two statements:

You're pregnant.

Get some rest.

I only made one adjustment during that entire nine months which was the night my son was born and the conversation went like this:

I'm feeling sick.

You're pregnant.

No . . . I'm feeling really sick. I think it's contractions.

Get some rest.

No . . . I think it's time.

No . . . I think it was the chicken bacon burgers for dinner. You're pregnant . . . get some rest.

You sure?

I am.

What if it's time?

Get some rest. If the contractions are less than twenty minutes apart . . . wake me up.

And with that . . . my son was born 5 hours later and I was lucky enough to get at least another hour of sleep before that happened.

The reason this little story belongs in a football blog and not the family section of The Huffington Post is that there is a parallel, albeit a wonky one, is that with all the information out there, with all the possibilities that can come with bodies bashing into each other, the Broncos are gonna beat the Raiders, Chip Kelly is gonna make any QB look good, Jordy Nelson is gonna give you 152 yrds and two TDs when you really need it, the Niners are always gonna have to run the ball, and you're still pregnant . . . so get some rest.

And then . . .  once in a while, the Jets are gonna beat the Steelers when Big Ben is coming off of twelve touchdowns in two games.

Because, you know . . . life.

THE BIG NEWS: 

Thie big news is that the Niners finally listened to reason and ran the ball again. Although Gore only went for a single TD and 82 yards, it kept the pash rush off of Kaep long enough to make a lucky 51 yrd pass to Crabtree in order to set up single field goal to win over the Saints in over time. Good game. Good game.

Also, though he didn't look that great in the first half, Mark Sanchez owes Chip Kelley a cheese steak dinner and possibly his first born.

INJURIES AND BAD DECISIONS:

So Carson Palmer is out for the season which throws the NFC West back into chaos with an undominate Seattle, and couldbe cinderalla Niner hopeful, and Drew Stanton trying to make Michael Floyd relevant. Allen Robinson is out, which throws up all kinds of dice throwing Hurns owers into fits, and the devistation of Patrick Willis out, making the Niners D sort of a crap shoot.

Megatron comes back, but still leaves room for Golden Tate to go for over a hundred yards and Stafford owners rejoice.

Romo decided to just go with it and risk paralization for some play-off berth. Gotta admit, that is not the way I would go.

Peterson might be back. Hope he don't. Not because I don't have any stock in him, but because any spanking that involves bruised genitals should automatically ban you for life from pop culture relevance. 

WHAT TO WATCH:

Okay, so last week I said if you were a lover of offense the Bears/Packers game was going to be a barn stormer. And I was sorta right. Especially if you were Jordy Nelson and Brandon Marshall. Not so much if you were anyone else. The game was over after the first half.

Same with my defense call of Eagles/Panthers. The Eagles Dee was on fire, and a pick six/go ahead and punt to Sproles nightmare. Though, lets be frank, Carolina held Philly to exactly 37yrds rushing.

37 yards rushing the entire game. Good day to own Matthews and the TE not named Ertz.

Now in keeping with the Offense/Defense Theme which worked nicely, here's my picks for the fun games this week (which I will not be watching because I'm playing a show a Sera Fina Winery on Sunday the 16th. 1-4:30)

For offense lovers: Philly vs Green Bay. No Huddle with the best RB in the league vs No Huddle with the best QB in the league. Lots of O.

For the Defense Lovers: Detroit vs Arizona. Can Drew get a ball in the air? Can Stafford find Megatron through a hornets nest? Which best record goes down?

NORCAL NOTES:

You can't blame the Raiders for getting crushed by Denver after an embarrasing loss from the Patriots the week before. Manning played like he had something to prove, but it was kinda like me farting on my nine year old son for whining about his homework. I mean, I outway him by 140 pounds and its just not fair that my diet requires me to eat so many beans.

But the Niners.

Hell yeah the Niners.

Beating the Saints in overtime and ending their 11 home game winning streak. I mean, they did exactly, not even sort of, but exactly what I had predicted for success. Run, run, pass. Run run pass. Get down the goddam field.

Now you might be quick to point out that the game winnning drive included an impossible 51 yard pass to Crabtree to set up a field goal . . . but shut the hell up. That's what they've paid Kaep and Crabtree to do.

Now Mr. Crabs is all cranky cause he is just the third WR on Kaep's check downs, but the only answer to that is "Get some seperation Mother Fucker"

I'm voting Gore/Boldin in 2016. Who's with me?

FANTASYLAND:

ForFuns League (5-5) 6th place, 2nd top score.

ForReals League (5-5) 5th place, 2nd top score.

Notice how I've added the result of the full season score?

I've done that because I'm just a little irritated that my record isn't as high as it should be.

Now last week, in my ForReals league, I got obliterated by the guy who, no shit, had Rodgers, Cobb, and Lacy all on Bye. I should have crushed him. He loaded up Asiada for christsake. But despite the preliminary projections, he overcame a fifty point deficit and I . . . well . . . my team . . . just didn't have it going on.

Then this week, in my ForReals League, I've got my old man beat in preliminary projections by thirty points. And my team Killed it. Killed it.

But my dad killed it somthing special.

By sunday afternoon, I needed Jordy Nelson to go for 150 yards and two touch downs.

Which . . .  actually happened.

So it was down to my Luke Kuechly needing to beat out his kicker for seven points.

He was up seven. Then up five. Then up four. Then up three. Then Kuechly missed a sack on Sanchez, which is like theoretically impossible (Sanchez once ran into his own front line) and one point after kick, I end up losing the game 234 to 240.

The third and fourth highest scores in the league and I lose to the guy that loaded up two, I shit you not, two Cleveland running backs.

And two Wide Receivers named Bryant.

Apparently it wasn't the chicken bacon bugers. He was due.

And just to add . . . in my ForFuns League . . . which I won . . . but only because I went with Sanchez instead of Kaepernick with Bradshaw and Lafell on Bye, Giovanni and Jennings hurt, a terrible outing by Forte, and Donnell dropping two catches in the end zone. An ugly win is still a win.

anyway . . . 

Back to the What to Expect When Expecting, I'm now at the point in the season where no one is on Bye, everyone is healthy, so there are a lot of question marks about who to load up where.

And there are just so many variables to consider, like, match-ups, weather, home fields, potential RBBC's, do you chase last week's stats hoping for a repeat performance (Sproles), do you cross your fingers that last week was just a low scoring anomaly (looking at you Maclin)? And then, lets say you've got a pretty good stable of studs and you have to determine your flex position and you've got five great options.

Problem: My Team is pregnant.

And I need to get some rest . . . or at least make it easier on myself.

And how do we do that?

Simple: We go with our guys. The ones we've scouted. The ones we've seen play. The ones who have scored the most. Don't be fooled by potential or terrified by matchup.

For instance: I'm looking at a single Flex position that can be filled by Golden Tate, Lafell, Sproles (note that return yards are counted in my league), Sims, or Joique. Three of whom I scouted and drafted before all this nonsense began.

Start with the easy choices

Sims is easy to bench, cause he's all potential, and if he does breakout this week it's gonna make week 12 much tougher, but we're not there yet.

Sproles is gonna have to sit tight too cause he is all game flow dependent.

Joique has been dissappointing, but still put up good flex stats each week. However, Stafford would throw the ball all day if he could, which is great for Tate (little rhyme there)

So I'm left looking at Tate or Lafell.

I could get all crazy looking at matchups, Lafell could get 15 looks or he could get 5 (Cause . . . you know . . . Patriots) Tate is gonna get 10, but he will not be finding the end-zone with a healthy Megatron looming. Gonna be shoot-out between Luck and Brady, +1 for Lafell, and Arizona Dee is going to play super hard to keep Stanton in the drivers seat . . . it's all too much!

or is it?

Tate's been my guy all season.

See how easy that was?

What is not easy is trading. Shoring up your weaknesses and trying not to throw out the baby with the bath-water while trying to avoid being the guy with a dirty baby.

That was a lot of metaphors right there.

Read it again.

Anyway, I've been trying to make trades left and right, but in the grand spirit of one-night-stands, no one is returning my calls.

It's just fear.

Sissies.

So I thought it might be fun to follow the few trades I have made . . . 

TRADE FUN:

This is a new addition because I think we in fantasyland don't partake in enough trades and I think that needs to be rethought. Trading is exciting because you get to evaluate what you need with all that you've got and make some real decisions.

Three weeks ago I traded away my Number One draft pick (McCoy) for the number one LB (Kuechly) and a top twenty RB (Gore).

Most people would think that that was super stupid. But I needed some real defense and I was willing to sacrifice a (so far) unproductive RB.

So hear me out . . . 

Now in Week 9, the trade handed me a net loss of 15 points, which sounds scary (OMG we're all gonna die!) But in the head to head, I ended up losing by a whopping 44 points. The 15, although nice, cost me nothing.

Then, Week 10, the trade gave me a positive 20 points, much better, but still didn't make the difference in that I lost by 6.

However, CrazyStupid Trade has so far netted me 5 points positive.

Not too shabby, and now my defense is starting to rumble : )

So this week, I've made a super big trade which started with my trying to trade Sproles (a McCoy back-up) for Blue (a Foster handcuff).

No deal.

The Counter: How about Kaepernick for Blue? (I'm holding Kaep and agonizing each week over him vs Cutler)

No deal. But  I like where this is going.

The Counter: Kaep and Sproles for any LB and Blue?

No deal.

The Counter: Kaep and Gordon for Laurinitas and Blue?

No Deal (I've been saving Gordon for the playoffs for eight weeks)

The Counter: How about Kaep and (Tate or Lafell) for Laurinitus and Blue?

No Deal.

The Counter: How about Kaep and Gordon and Gore for Maclin, Blue and any LB?

Shit. That means giving up a top 10 QB, a could be monster WR, and a top 20 RB for a top 5 WR a handcuff for Foster and Lavonte David (second in tackles to Kuechly).

Roll the dice, boy, roll the dice.

And sold.

So over the last six weeks (I'm gonna continue through the playoffs, even if I'm out) I'm gonna track trades and see how they work out.

The idea is that they do. And, hopefully, it gives you, my fantasy bretheren a little courage to do the same. If not this year than the next.

Trades are so much fun.

Freakin do it.

CRAZYSTUPID PREDICTIONS LAST WEEK:

Detroit beats Miami, CJ goes for 150  (Yes, but CJ 113, leaving 102 for Tate. Nice guy)

Gore goes for 120 (81, but a TD and secures the love of a grateful nation) 

Sanchez 300 yrds and 4TDs (332 and 2TD's. Damn Sanchez, you dirty)

Oakland beats Denver  (Nope)

Cutler is sacked by Matthews 4 times (Only once. The other three sacks belong to Burnett, Barrington, and Peppers)

CRAZYSTUPID PREDICTIONS THIS WEEK:

Oakland beats San Diego (cause fuck yeah!)

Aldon Smith sacks Eli 3 times (cause fuck yeah!)

Dirty Sanchez connects with Maclin for 100yrds (cause trades . . . fuck yeah)

Detroit introduces Arizona to it's daddy (cause I really want the Niners in the SuperBowl)

I win both Week 11 Fantasy games (because, seriously, BeersAtTen needs a loss, doesn't deserve it, they've played a masterful game this year and I love them dearly, but they need at least one loss and I need to do it)

Also, don't forget that I'll be playing live at the Sera Fina Winery this Sunday from 1-4.

So if music be the food of love . . . and Cam Newton is hurt and his coach needs to take him out of the game when they are losing that badly . . .

Play on.

 

HTT: How to Veterans Day

So today is Veterans Day.

As if you didn't know that already what with all the football players wearing small bits of camolfauge material.

That and the kids are not in school.

Dead giveaway when the kids are not in school.

I still tried to trick my son in to thinking it was Wednesday, but he's smarter than I am and refused to get in the car.

Anyway, my favorite Holidays happened to be the very ones where you don't have to actually go anywhere, do anything, and there are no presents involved and it's patriotic to cook red meat over coals.

Father's Day, the 4th, Memorial Day, Veterans' Day, Boxing Day, Flag Day, Irish History Month. These holiday's require no pomp nor circumstance and you're in no danger of hurting anyone's feelings by not participating.

You can only irritate people by poo-pooing them.

Don't do that.

Just shut up.

Anyway . . . since there is no true custom needing to be observed for Veterans' Day (aside from the usually parade and possibly a speech by the president)yeahyeah  I thought I would share my casual customs for you to incorporate into your own shallow observances.

First: Sleep in.

Veterans never get to sleep in. Loud people with short cropped hair are always yelling or some guy with a horn is blowing before the sun comes up. So hit the snooze and don't roll out til like nine.

Second: Drink your coffee black.

Remember, there are no athiests or pumpkin spice in the trenches. Drink it out of a tin cup if possible.

Third: Do something manly.

Cooking meat is manly. Lifting heavy objects so that your wife can vaccuum under them is manly. I have a small patch of grass that needs mowing. Mowing things is manly.

Fourth: Band of Brothers needs to be playing  in at least two rooms in your house all day long. If you do not have a copy on DVD, you can stream it from HBO GO, and if you don't have HBO GO then it's time to purchase the show on iTunes. Purchasing Band of Brothers on iTunes can also be considered manly.

Five: Your wife is going to want to waste her day doing chores.

Let her.

Six: You wife is also gonna want to waste your day doing chores.

Look busy.

Seven: She's going to make you breakfast and coffee and talk sweet.

Don't be fooled.

Eight: Veterans' Day Sales

This is the final week that every store needs to make space for all the Christmas Junk that is just about to pour into their back rooms. Insane prices on things nobody wants.

I'm not telling you this because I think you care in any particular way, but as a last ditch resort of something to mention when your wife says something like "We should really reorganize our room."

The conversation should go something like this:

Honey?

Hmmm?

What if we moved the couch to that side of the room?

I guess so . . . but wait . . . Oh my GOD!

What!

Michael's is having a 75% off all picture frames!

Where are my keys!?

What about the couch?

WHERE ARE MY FUCKING KEYS!?

Nine: Take her out for a late lunch.

She's been working hard and the mall was insane.

Ten: Nap Time.

Between 30 and 45 minutes is ideal and patriotic.

Eleven: Barbecue Time

Chicken legs are ideal because utensiles should be shunned. The trick to good chicken legs is lower temperature for longer and away from direct heat. If you're a manly man and using charcoal, pile the charcoal in the middle and lay the legs in a circle around the outside. Rotate them every twenty minutes (or in between beers) and for the last five put them directly over the coals to crisp up the skin. Same rules apply for gas, just in a more cost effective, ecofriendly, vaginal sort of way.

Lastly, here are some suggestions for ideal films to celebrate the Post War lifestyle:

Dances With Wolves

The Outlaw Josey Wales

Apocalypse Now

Commando

Star Wars (A New Hope)

The First Harry Patter 

and Footloose.

I don't know why Footloose, it just seemed like the list was missing some John Lithgow.

Rule Number One for all lists: Include John Lithgow.

Best of Guest Five

I like having guests.

Some people hate it. Some people tolerate it. Some people just refuse to allow that to happen, and some people are terrible at it.

You  can always tell the people who are terrible at it because they've left a pile of dirty clothes on the floor of the bathroom

Ew.

There are rules of course. Three days max for out of towners. Over night for locals who had too much to drink and if you are a college student returning for the weekend, you must bring just as much tupperwear back from the dorm as what you plan to walk away with. Laundry services are available, but you must leave your things in the garage because the cologne you wear is gross and needs to be kept out of this house.

Having guests makes my wife anxious. She's worried about the cleanliness of surfaces and the smell of things. I mostly woried about the quantity of alcohol available and if we have enough cheese.

So yeah, maybe having guests can be stressful, but there is fun to be had:

Best Of Guest One:  It's pick up time!

You kind of never notice how gross and cluttered your life has become until you invite an old friend over for dinner. Then suddenly that stack of books in the hallway looks gauche, all those jackets hanging on every chair and the unbeleivable amount of food rotting away under the computer desk gets noticed for the first time in decades. In just a little under one hour you will be amazed at how much more room you have and how much less sticky that room is.

Best of Guest Two: Screw You Diet!

There is a good chance that your guest likes carbs, eats lots of red meat, hates Kale, and can only sleep after four bottles of wine. Pro Tip: Just go for a little walk after each meal and hopefuly you won't wake up from a coma next Tuesday.

Best of Guest Three: Third Party Adjudication!

Solve every question/debate you've every had with your SO in one fell swoop. What to eat, what to watch, what to do, who's right, who's being childish, and exactly how much is the right amount to invest in a 401K. Now, if you are the 'guy' in your relationship, there's a good chance that your view will be weighed carefully before it is rejected. That's okay. The problem gets to be solved without admitting you were wrong.

Best of Guest Four: Re-live those college years!

The last time I had a friend stay over we played Wii Golf until 3am. Every 45 minutes or so we would shout for the beer cart lady waking my wife up from an uncomfortable sleep. That was seven years ago but the memories are forever.

Best of Guest Five: They do, in fact, leave.

After all the goodbyes and hugs and promises to do something like this again soon, you get to wave them off and return to a house that is clean, a fridge full of leftovers, a partially filled wine rack, and the kind of exhaustion level that exclusively permits the kind of unproductive behavior that would be inexcusable otherwise. Go ahead and start Season Three of Buffy the Vampire Slayer with impunity and remind your wife of how pretty she is.

TBT: Tom Magliozzi

So by now you've probably heard that that laughy guy from Car Talk died this week.

Anyone who has ever takin a long car trip knows who that guy is.

Unless you're the kind of person that reacts to NPR the way the wicked witch of the west reacts to water.

I'm not kidding, those people exist.

Shame too.

They miss a lot of good laughs.

Anyway, Tom Magliozzi (the laughy guy) graduated from MIT in the sixties, got a 9-5 kinda job, and then, after almost getting into a car accident of his way to work, quit that morning, and lived off unemployment for a long time.

Then his brother, 12 years younger, and also a graduate of MIT, came to visit and they came up with an idea for a "Do It Yourself" Car Garage where they would supply the tools and the know how while you fixed your own car.

Note: this was back in the early seventies where that was possible.

Possible . . . but still not a very good idea.

It's a miracle that no one was killed.

Anyway, realizing that they were doing most of the work anyway, they moved to a regular car repair shop and . . . well . . . fixed cars.

Sometime in the eighties, they started with a little college radio show to drum up business for the repair shop and somewhere along the line became the most consistently funny/interesting/poigniant hour of entertainment you could find.

It's  a simple 'Call In' radio show where people ask questions about their cars. A caller calls in with a problem, then brothers debate the possible things it could be, and then give advice.

But the advice never seemed to stop at the mechanical problem. It always veered toward the human element and what might have been super boring became anything but.

Anyway, for TBT, I thought I'd share my two favorite Car Talk moments.

The first . . . 

I was in the car on a long road trip with my dad. It must have been late, because usually we would listen to some kind of baseball game, but this time it was just talk.

At some point he turned the volume up and told me that I gotta listen to these guys and he gave me the same description of the show that I just gave you.

A woman called in asking for advice on what kind of car to get her son who just started driving.

He wanted a classic car.

She wanted a nice reliable car.

And after some heated debate, the brothers told the woman that what she really needed to get him was a Volkswagon Van.

It met the classic criteria. Was easy to fix. Didn't go very fast. And would keep him out of trouble because he'd always have to be the guy that drove everyone home.

Genius.

And true.

My first car was a Volkswagon Van and it did all those things. In fact, I may not have made it to my twenties had it not been for the reliable unsexyness of my Volkswagon.

So anyway, I was hooked.

Then comes my second favorite moment . . .

My girlfriend and I are driving from San Jose to Vacaville (or the other way, I don't remember). This is the same girlfriend who eventually became my first wife.

Anyway, we were listening to Car Talk and a woman calls in for some advice.

Apparently, her husband had been changing the oil on the car and had gotten halfway through the job and got called away for some reason or another. The wife, not knowing that her husband hadn't finished, drove the car down less than a mile down the street to the super market. The husband seeing the car take off without any oil, ran to the store to catch her before she ruined the engine.

Her Question: How much damage did she do to the car?

Their Answer: None . . . but sell the car.

What?

You didn't do any damage to the engine, but you need to sell the car now or your marriage will be ruined.

What? Why?

Because, even though you didn't do any damage to that engine, everytime something goes wrong with the car it will be your fault for driving it without oil. Sell the car.

My girlfriend and I laughed about that for a very long time. In fact we still laugh about it.

And I know that a blog doesn't really do the radio show much justice, really, at all.

So after you read this, get onto your iPhone or iPad or whatever and download the podcasts.

There's thousands of them, they're free, they're fun, funny, and they just may save your life or help you fall in love.

The 40ft POST: Fan Death

I think I'm starting to get superstitious.

It seems to me that every time I shower and shave Sunday morning, my fantasy football teams do well.

The days I decide to keep my three day shadow, not so much.

The showering part is non-negotiable, but removing all those gray bristles from my epidermis just prior to kick off might be the way to make it to the playoffs.

Which is exactly what I was thinking about when I was listening to a radio report on superstition.

One report was a very specific Korean superstition about how keeping a fan on while you sleep will kill you.

You know it has to be true because it was on NPR.

But yeah, apparently manufactured wind is a death sentence.

There were three theories postulated about this particular superstition. One, that the cooling will lower your body temperature so much that hypothermia becomes a real thing. The second, and my favorite, that an electric fan in a closed room just circulates hot air which in turn will suffocate the unsuspecting snoozer. The third, creepiest, is that it is the fallout from a Korean Government conspiracy trying to get people to use less electricity in the evenings.

Either way though . . . 

It's referred to a Fan Death.

Which is exactly the term I would use to describe the Rams trashing the Niners on what would otherwise be a lovely afternoon in Santa Clara.

See . . . it's not so much that they lost. That would bum out any fan. But they lost in what looked like to me to be the dumbest way possible.

Which is another way of saying that they didn't listen to me last week.

Last week I made a point of describing their season so far. When they run, they win. When they don't run, but get lucky (crazy impossible throws, sloppy opponent play, etc.) they win. When they don't run and they don't get lucky, they lose.

So I'm watching the game hoping that they'll do what seems most logical to me which is run the ball for 3.5. Then run the ball four 4. Then throw a quick slant route to Boldin (or Davis) down the middle. They can do this with zero fan fair, getting to the line of scrimmage quickly, and just marching down the field while the defense is still on their heels.

Why would they do that? Simple: Their receivers aren't getting seperation and Kaepernick has ZERO pocket time. And they simply need to dominate time of posession because their defense isn't quite ready to take on brutal offenses (cough, cough, Denver, cough).

Or . . . Or . . . 

They could call a bunch of passing plays in the huddle, then saunter over to the line of scrimmage, give Kaep a moment to realize that that play isn't going to work, yell KILL KILL KILL, change the play at the line, watch while the defense doesn't move, and then cough up yards on a sack.

Like EIGHT Times.

The worst was the final set of downs on the last drive.

First and goal. I say give it to Gore. But no . . . throw it to Crabtree who doesn't make the stretch.

Second and One: I say give it to Gore. But no . . . get hurried in the pocket and throw it away.

Third and One: I say give it to Gore. But no . . . QB sneak resulting in a fumble and the end of the game.

Now I suspect the Harbaugh has a copy of The Art of War in his glove compartment, and if you've read it, you'd know that the chief strategy against an opponent is the element of surprise.

Do what your enemy doesn't expect.

But Harbaugh's copy must be missing the final page of the first chapter which continues the thought "Surprise your enemy" with the final sentence that says "But, don't be stupid."

And here's the thing. They can play any way they want. They can refuse to make any adjustments after their Bye Week, they can refuse to make any adjustments during half time . . . whatever. But knowing what I know now about the game is really making it hard for me to watch.

Which in it's own way a kind of Fan Death.

THE BIG NEWS:

The season is passed the halfway mark and if anything is clear . . . it's that nothing is clear. Peyton has no answer for a radically inspired Tom. Rivers has no answer for a very angry Miami. Big Ben found someone else to throw to besides Antonio. Sanchez might be a better QB than Foles. The Raiders held their own against Seattle (didn't win . . . but dayum!) Kyle Orton has fantasy relevence. Corderele Patterson does not. Michael Vick got injured (no . . . wait . . . that was a gimme) and Ingram has gone for over a hundred yards for two games straight.

The race is on man . . . the race is on.

INJURIES AND BAD DECISIONS:

Romo went down. Foles, with a broken clavical, Lamar Miller, shoulder, Giovanni, jock itch, Michael Vick, karma. Arian Foster with an undisclosed something something. Get well soon everybody (Yes . . . even Vick . . . but only because my bother-in-law is a Jets fan)

We could see the return of half of Detroit's offense, and half of NorLean's RBBC, and there's a rumor that the Bears are going to create passing plays for Cutler outside of the pocket, which, if true, means he's going to have to switch from his steady diet of HarveyWallBangers to Crystal Meth which might give Marshall owners some breathing room.

In the Bad Decision column, the Niners still aren't running the ball, and Adrian Peterson might be allowed to play this year. Kudos to the guys that picked him up on the waiver wire so quickly, though as a man and a father, I hope you feel just a little icky inside.

WHAT TO WATCH:

So last week I thought that the Niner game was going to be the fun one, but I think it just left us all empty and cold like the one night stand who leaves at 2am and forces you to realize that you're the ugly one.

Now if you like Offense, the Bear vs the Packers, both with leaky front lines and cement footed secondaries, both teams fresh off a Bye, I would not be surprised if the point total in this game topped 82.

Or, if you like Defense, the battle between Phillie and Carolina on Monday Night is going to fun. We get to see how Carolina does against McCoy (Ingram got 100 yards last week, but it took him 30 carries to do it, and I don't think the Panthers have as much respect for Sanchez as they did Brees) And Phillie's D has been a Pick-Six machine, so either we're gonna see a lot of yards on Cam's legs, or the Eagle's defense outscoring the Eagles offense.

I think I'm gonna have to make hotwings Monday Night.

NORCAL NOTES:

Niners lost pathetically. Raiders lost with their heads held high.

But when asked how his team played so hard, Sporano gave the best quote of the week:

"We didn't fly up here to lose"

Yeah, baby, yeah.

FANTASYLAND:

ForFuns League (4-5) 8th place

ForReals League (5-4) 3rd place

This was a really interesting week in that I had a very good line up for both teams. The projections were way above average and my opponents were way below.

And I lost both games.

Sure I wish I had gotten more out of Kaepernick and Gore, sure I wish I had gotten more out of Taliefaro and I'm really not sure why I benched Sanu over Robinson (that was dumb from every angle) but for the most part, my teams did me proud.

However, in both games, I was up against the guys that loaded up last minute late round flyers that turned out to go gang busters. I really had no chance. There wasn't a single move I would have made differently (except the Sanu thing, which wouldn't have made a difference).

Would I rather win ugly than lose cleanly?

Damn right I would. But I have the second highest total score in my ForReals League, and the highest score on the ForFuns Team, so my planning has paid off, even if my luck hasn't.

Point is, all horn tooting aside, I'm not a total embarassment this year, so far, so yay.

CRAZY STUPID PREDICTIONS LAST WEEK:

Ingram and Newton run for a combined 200 yards (143, so close-ish)

Eli has his best game of the year. (2nd best thanks to garbage time)

Raiders beat Seattle (Okay, this didn't happen. But look at the QB stats. Carr had 194yrds on 24 catches and 2 TDs. Wilson had 179 yrds on 17 and ZERO TDs. Thank goodness for Lynch because one successful onside kick and I would've been legally obligated to change my middle name to Nostradamus.)

80 total points Denver/New England (64)

Michael Floyd has a great game but only if I bench him (Benched, bad game, boo)

CRAZYSTUPID PREDICTIONS THIS WEEK:

Detroit cripples Miami, Megatron has 150 yrd day

Gore rushes for 120yrd against New Orleans, I get a cease and desist order from the Cardinals and the Seahawks.

Sanchez throws for 300 yrds and 4 TD's, riots in New Jersey.

Oakland beats Denver.

Cutler drops his shoulder into Clay Matthews four times.

That's the story for this morning glory . . . and remember . . . 

Don't let Fan Death frighten you away from a good night's sleep.

HTT: How To Election Day

It's Election Day . . . if you hadn't noticed.

And if you hadn't noticed, it's because you live nowhere near a television, haven't checked your mail in six weeks, or there is a very good chance you're Canadian.

Now to be honest . . . this isn't a very exciting election. Mid-Term ones are like that. No one wants to fully rock the boat until 2016 when all hell is scheduled to break loose. You might want to put that on your calendar and stock up on fresh water and canned goods. If you're a gun owner, you probably want to stock up on ammo and stash it in different places around your neighborhood.

I'm not a gun owner and although I may talk a good game, my archery skills probably won't take down anything slower than a vegetarian. But I have seen enough Walking Dead to know that what I really need is a sword.

So today isn't really sexy, but here's the thing; Vote.

You gotta.

I know it's boring and you're really not sure who or what you were planning on voting for and your wife really wants you to do something about the front lawn and you haven't fully decided on your fantasy football line-up for Week 10, but all the same.

This is the day that seperates Americans from almost 67% of the rest of the world.

This is the day that should be a national holiday, but kids under eighteen still have to go to school.

Today is the day that you get that little oblong sticker to put on your lapel that says "I Voted"

Unless you don't have a lapel or you vote by mail, in which case . . . La Di Dah Mr. 21st Century.

Anyway, for How To Tuesday (Special Election Edition) here are a few things you might wanna know before you take to the plastic booth, and if it's your first time . . . don't worry . . . I'll be gentle.

Step One: Know where you're going.

Your polling place is most likely a school or a firehouse in your neighborhood. Drive around in concetric circles until you find one.

Step Two: Go early.

You will want to find that magic hour between the Breakfast Special Old People and the Lunch Time Soccer Moms. Parking is important.

Step Three: Bring a pen.

You won't need it. They have them there. But just in case . . . and it also makes you look like you're an old hand at this. Everyone respects old hands.

Step Four: Know what all the Buzz Words mean (here is a little glossary):

Job Creation = Giving rich people money.

Unions = Higher Prices at Whole Foods.

Pelosi = The taste in the back of your mouth after you've thrown up for the third time.

ObamaCare = A thinly veiled attack on our family values

Family Values = The last call for Sociopathic/Pedofiles who were rejected by the church

Your Tax Dollars = Only applies if you don't have off-shore accounts . . . rube.

Written By Lawyers = To scare children without having to say "Boogey Man"

Pork = The magical animal where all the good things come from

Reaching Across the Aisle = No moral compass

Tea Party = An actual tea party with crumpets and Earl Gray and Maggie Smith and people in the background trying to play tennis on grass.

Step Five: Fill in the holes completely.

Step Six: Get your sticker.

Wear it proudly. If someone doesn't mention the sticker in the first thirteen seconds of a conversation you are legally obligated to rub your chest up against their face. Also, and this is true, you're entitled to a free flat screen TV at your local Walmart. Just go in and say that you've just fought for their freedom and are ready for your 67" Bravia. Do not accept the LG. LG's are for peasants.

Step Seven: Freedom

You have just participated in one of the greatest triumphs of the human race.

Go ahead and run some red lights.

You deserve it.