HTT: How to Veterans Day

So today is Veterans Day.

As if you didn't know that already what with all the football players wearing small bits of camolfauge material.

That and the kids are not in school.

Dead giveaway when the kids are not in school.

I still tried to trick my son in to thinking it was Wednesday, but he's smarter than I am and refused to get in the car.

Anyway, my favorite Holidays happened to be the very ones where you don't have to actually go anywhere, do anything, and there are no presents involved and it's patriotic to cook red meat over coals.

Father's Day, the 4th, Memorial Day, Veterans' Day, Boxing Day, Flag Day, Irish History Month. These holiday's require no pomp nor circumstance and you're in no danger of hurting anyone's feelings by not participating.

You can only irritate people by poo-pooing them.

Don't do that.

Just shut up.

Anyway . . . since there is no true custom needing to be observed for Veterans' Day (aside from the usually parade and possibly a speech by the president)yeahyeah  I thought I would share my casual customs for you to incorporate into your own shallow observances.

First: Sleep in.
Veterans never get to sleep in. Loud people with short cropped hair are always yelling or some guy with a horn is blowing before the sun comes up. So hit the snooze and don't roll out til like nine.

Second: Drink your coffee black.
Remember, there are no athiests or pumpkin spice in the trenches. Drink it out of a tin cup if possible.

Third: Do something manly.
Cooking meat is manly. Lifting heavy objects so that your wife can vaccuum under them is manly. I have a small patch of grass that needs mowing. Mowing things is manly.

Fourth: Band of Brothers needs to be playing  in at least two rooms in your house all day long. If you do not have a copy on DVD, you can stream it from HBO GO, and if you don't have HBO GO then it's time to purchase the show on iTunes. Purchasing Band of Brothers on iTunes can also be considered manly.

Five: Your wife is going to want to waste her day doing chores.
Let her.

Six: You wife is also gonna want to waste your day doing chores.
Look busy.

Seven: She's going to make you breakfast and coffee and talk sweet.
Don't be fooled.

Eight: Veterans' Day Sales
This is the final week that every store needs to make space for all the Christmas Junk that is just about to pour into their back rooms. Insane prices on things nobody wants.

I'm not telling you this because I think you care in any particular way, but as a last ditch resort of something to mention when your wife says something like "We should really reorganize our room."

The conversation should go something like this:



What if we moved the couch to that side of the room?

I guess so . . . but wait . . . Oh my GOD!


Michael's is having a 75% off all picture frames!

Where are my keys!?

What about the couch?


Nine: Take her out for a late lunch.
She's been working hard and the mall was insane.

Ten: Nap Time.
Between 30 and 45 minutes is ideal and patriotic.

Eleven: Barbecue Time
Chicken legs are ideal because utensiles should be shunned. The trick to good chicken legs is lower temperature for longer and away from direct heat. If you're a manly man and using charcoal, pile the charcoal in the middle and lay the legs in a circle around the outside. Rotate them every twenty minutes (or in between beers) and for the last five put them directly over the coals to crisp up the skin. Same rules apply for gas, just in a more cost effective, ecofriendly, vaginal sort of way.

Lastly, here are some suggestions for ideal films to celebrate the Post War lifestyle:

Dances With Wolves
The Outlaw Josey Wales
Apocalypse Now
Star Wars (A New Hope)
The First Harry Patter 
and Footloose.

I don't know why Footloose, it just seemed like the list was missing some John Lithgow.

Rule Number One for all lists: Include John Lithgow.

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