Best of Guest Five

I like having guests.

Some people hate it. Some people tolerate it. Some people just refuse to allow that to happen, and some people are terrible at it.

You  can always tell the people who are terrible at it because they've left a pile of dirty clothes on the floor of the bathroom


There are rules of course. Three days max for out of towners. Over night for locals who had too much to drink and if you are a college student returning for the weekend, you must bring just as much tupperwear back from the dorm as what you plan to walk away with. Laundry services are available, but you must leave your things in the garage because the cologne you wear is gross and needs to be kept out of this house.

Having guests makes my wife anxious. She's worried about the cleanliness of surfaces and the smell of things. I mostly woried about the quantity of alcohol available and if we have enough cheese.

So yeah, maybe having guests can be stressful, but there is fun to be had:

Best Of Guest One:  It's pick up time!
You kind of never notice how gross and cluttered your life has become until you invite an old friend over for dinner. Then suddenly that stack of books in the hallway looks gauche, all those jackets hanging on every chair and the unbeleivable amount of food rotting away under the computer desk gets noticed for the first time in decades. In just a little under one hour you will be amazed at how much more room you have and how much less sticky that room is.

Best of Guest Two: Screw You Diet!
There is a good chance that your guest likes carbs, eats lots of red meat, hates Kale, and can only sleep after four bottles of wine. Pro Tip: Just go for a little walk after each meal and hopefuly you won't wake up from a coma next Tuesday.

Best of Guest Three: Third Party Adjudication!
Solve every question/debate you've every had with your SO in one fell swoop. What to eat, what to watch, what to do, who's right, who's being childish, and exactly how much is the right amount to invest in a 401K. Now, if you are the 'guy' in your relationship, there's a good chance that your view will be weighed carefully before it is rejected. That's okay. The problem gets to be solved without admitting you were wrong.

Best of Guest Four: Re-live those college years!
The last time I had a friend stay over we played Wii Golf until 3am. Every 45 minutes or so we would shout for the beer cart lady waking my wife up from an uncomfortable sleep. That was seven years ago but the memories are forever.

Best of Guest Five: They do, in fact, leave.
After all the goodbyes and hugs and promises to do something like this again soon, you get to wave them off and return to a house that is clean, a fridge full of leftovers, a partially filled wine rack, and the kind of exhaustion level that exclusively permits the kind of unproductive behavior that would be inexcusable otherwise. Go ahead and start Season Three of Buffy the Vampire Slayer with impunity and remind your wife of how pretty she is.

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