The 40ft POST: What to Expect When Expecting

 Two of my best 'guy' pals are gonna be first time fathers very very soon.

A little less than ten years ago I was going through exactly what they are going through now, which is a laundry list of symptoms, ailments, and enough WebMD to ensure a diagnosis that everyone around me was suffering from lupus.

Now, the second my wife told me that she was pregnant, two things happened simultaniously. One, I quit smoking, and two I had to read everything there possibly was to read on the subject of pregnancy, child rearing and life in general.

I'm still working on the volumes for the second two, but the first one "pregnancy" really only required several encyclopedias of medical terms, and some basic common sense.

After two months and somewhere around $42,000 spent on medical journals I realized there was only one diagnosis and one method of treatment for every thing that ailed my beautiful bride.

The Diagnosis: You're pregnant.

The Treatment: Get some rest.

Every little worry that she had about everything, whether it be something she was feeling or something that her friend told her about, coincidentally was fixed by two statements:

You're pregnant.

Get some rest.

I only made one adjustment during that entire nine months which was the night my son was born and the conversation went like this:

I'm feeling sick.

You're pregnant.

No . . . I'm feeling really sick. I think it's contractions.

Get some rest.

No . . . I think it's time.

No . . . I think it was the chicken bacon burgers for dinner. You're pregnant . . . get some rest.

You sure?

I am.

What if it's time?

Get some rest. If the contractions are less than twenty minutes apart . . . wake me up.

And with that . . . my son was born 5 hours later and I was lucky enough to get at least another hour of sleep before that happened.

The reason this little story belongs in a football blog and not the family section of The Huffington Post is that there is a parallel, albeit a wonky one, is that with all the information out there, with all the possibilities that can come with bodies bashing into each other, the Broncos are gonna beat the Raiders, Chip Kelly is gonna make any QB look good, Jordy Nelson is gonna give you 152 yrds and two TDs when you really need it, the Niners are always gonna have to run the ball, and you're still pregnant . . . so get some rest.

And then . . .  once in a while, the Jets are gonna beat the Steelers when Big Ben is coming off of twelve touchdowns in two games.

Because, you know . . . life.

Thie big news is that the Niners finally listened to reason and ran the ball again. Although Gore only went for a single TD and 82 yards, it kept the pash rush off of Kaep long enough to make a lucky 51 yrd pass to Crabtree in order to set up single field goal to win over the Saints in over time. Good game. Good game.

Also, though he didn't look that great in the first half, Mark Sanchez owes Chip Kelley a cheese steak dinner and possibly his first born.

So Carson Palmer is out for the season which throws the NFC West back into chaos with an undominate Seattle, and couldbe cinderalla Niner hopeful, and Drew Stanton trying to make Michael Floyd relevant. Allen Robinson is out, which throws up all kinds of dice throwing Hurns owers into fits, and the devistation of Patrick Willis out, making the Niners D sort of a crap shoot.

Megatron comes back, but still leaves room for Golden Tate to go for over a hundred yards and Stafford owners rejoice.

Romo decided to just go with it and risk paralization for some play-off berth. Gotta admit, that is not the way I would go.

Peterson might be back. Hope he don't. Not because I don't have any stock in him, but because any spanking that involves bruised genitals should automatically ban you for life from pop culture relevance. 

Okay, so last week I said if you were a lover of offense the Bears/Packers game was going to be a barn stormer. And I was sorta right. Especially if you were Jordy Nelson and Brandon Marshall. Not so much if you were anyone else. The game was over after the first half.

Same with my defense call of Eagles/Panthers. The Eagles Dee was on fire, and a pick six/go ahead and punt to Sproles nightmare. Though, lets be frank, Carolina held Philly to exactly 37yrds rushing.

37 yards rushing the entire game. Good day to own Matthews and the TE not named Ertz.

Now in keeping with the Offense/Defense Theme which worked nicely, here's my picks for the fun games this week (which I will not be watching because I'm playing a show a Sera Fina Winery on Sunday the 16th. 1-4:30)

For offense lovers: Philly vs Green Bay. No Huddle with the best RB in the league vs No Huddle with the best QB in the league. Lots of O.

For the Defense Lovers: Detroit vs Arizona. Can Drew get a ball in the air? Can Stafford find Megatron through a hornets nest? Which best record goes down?

You can't blame the Raiders for getting crushed by Denver after an embarrasing loss from the Patriots the week before. Manning played like he had something to prove, but it was kinda like me farting on my nine year old son for whining about his homework. I mean, I outway him by 140 pounds and its just not fair that my diet requires me to eat so many beans.

But the Niners.

Hell yeah the Niners.

Beating the Saints in overtime and ending their 11 home game winning streak. I mean, they did exactly, not even sort of, but exactly what I had predicted for success. Run, run, pass. Run run pass. Get down the goddam field.

Now you might be quick to point out that the game winnning drive included an impossible 51 yard pass to Crabtree to set up a field goal . . . but shut the hell up. That's what they've paid Kaep and Crabtree to do.

Now Mr. Crabs is all cranky cause he is just the third WR on Kaep's check downs, but the only answer to that is "Get some seperation Mother Fucker"

I'm voting Gore/Boldin in 2016. Who's with me?

ForFuns League (5-5) 6th place, 2nd top score.
ForReals League (5-5) 5th place, 2nd top score.

Notice how I've added the result of the full season score?

I've done that because I'm just a little irritated that my record isn't as high as it should be.

Now last week, in my ForReals league, I got obliterated by the guy who, no shit, had Rodgers, Cobb, and Lacy all on Bye. I should have crushed him. He loaded up Asiada for christsake. But despite the preliminary projections, he overcame a fifty point deficit and I . . . well . . . my team . . . just didn't have it going on.

Then this week, in my ForReals League, I've got my old man beat in preliminary projections by thirty points. And my team Killed it. Killed it.

But my dad killed it somthing special.

By sunday afternoon, I needed Jordy Nelson to go for 150 yards and two touch downs.

Which . . .  actually happened.

So it was down to my Luke Kuechly needing to beat out his kicker for seven points.

He was up seven. Then up five. Then up four. Then up three. Then Kuechly missed a sack on Sanchez, which is like theoretically impossible (Sanchez once ran into his own front line) and one point after kick, I end up losing the game 234 to 240.

The third and fourth highest scores in the league and I lose to the guy that loaded up two, I shit you not, two Cleveland running backs.

And two Wide Receivers named Bryant.

Apparently it wasn't the chicken bacon bugers. He was due.

And just to add . . . in my ForFuns League . . . which I won . . . but only because I went with Sanchez instead of Kaepernick with Bradshaw and Lafell on Bye, Giovanni and Jennings hurt, a terrible outing by Forte, and Donnell dropping two catches in the end zone. An ugly win is still a win.

anyway . . . 

Back to the What to Expect When Expecting, I'm now at the point in the season where no one is on Bye, everyone is healthy, so there are a lot of question marks about who to load up where.

And there are just so many variables to consider, like, match-ups, weather, home fields, potential RBBC's, do you chase last week's stats hoping for a repeat performance (Sproles), do you cross your fingers that last week was just a low scoring anomaly (looking at you Maclin)? And then, lets say you've got a pretty good stable of studs and you have to determine your flex position and you've got five great options.

Problem: My Team is pregnant.

And I need to get some rest . . . or at least make it easier on myself.

And how do we do that?

Simple: We go with our guys. The ones we've scouted. The ones we've seen play. The ones who have scored the most. Don't be fooled by potential or terrified by matchup.

For instance: I'm looking at a single Flex position that can be filled by Golden Tate, Lafell, Sproles (note that return yards are counted in my league), Sims, or Joique. Three of whom I scouted and drafted before all this nonsense began.

Start with the easy choices

Sims is easy to bench, cause he's all potential, and if he does breakout this week it's gonna make week 12 much tougher, but we're not there yet.

Sproles is gonna have to sit tight too cause he is all game flow dependent.

Joique has been dissappointing, but still put up good flex stats each week. However, Stafford would throw the ball all day if he could, which is great for Tate (little rhyme there)

So I'm left looking at Tate or Lafell.

I could get all crazy looking at matchups, Lafell could get 15 looks or he could get 5 (Cause . . . you know . . . Patriots) Tate is gonna get 10, but he will not be finding the end-zone with a healthy Megatron looming. Gonna be shoot-out between Luck and Brady, +1 for Lafell, and Arizona Dee is going to play super hard to keep Stanton in the drivers seat . . . it's all too much!

or is it?

Tate's been my guy all season.

See how easy that was?

What is not easy is trading. Shoring up your weaknesses and trying not to throw out the baby with the bath-water while trying to avoid being the guy with a dirty baby.

That was a lot of metaphors right there.

Read it again.

Anyway, I've been trying to make trades left and right, but in the grand spirit of one-night-stands, no one is returning my calls.

It's just fear.


So I thought it might be fun to follow the few trades I have made . . . 

This is a new addition because I think we in fantasyland don't partake in enough trades and I think that needs to be rethought. Trading is exciting because you get to evaluate what you need with all that you've got and make some real decisions.

Three weeks ago I traded away my Number One draft pick (McCoy) for the number one LB (Kuechly) and a top twenty RB (Gore).

Most people would think that that was super stupid. But I needed some real defense and I was willing to sacrifice a (so far) unproductive RB.

So hear me out . . . 

Now in Week 9, the trade handed me a net loss of 15 points, which sounds scary (OMG we're all gonna die!) But in the head to head, I ended up losing by a whopping 44 points. The 15, although nice, cost me nothing.

Then, Week 10, the trade gave me a positive 20 points, much better, but still didn't make the difference in that I lost by 6.

However, CrazyStupid Trade has so far netted me 5 points positive.

Not too shabby, and now my defense is starting to rumble : )

So this week, I've made a super big trade which started with my trying to trade Sproles (a McCoy back-up) for Blue (a Foster handcuff).

No deal.

The Counter: How about Kaepernick for Blue? (I'm holding Kaep and agonizing each week over him vs Cutler)

No deal. But  I like where this is going.

The Counter: Kaep and Sproles for any LB and Blue?

No deal.

The Counter: Kaep and Gordon for Laurinitas and Blue?

No Deal (I've been saving Gordon for the playoffs for eight weeks)

The Counter: How about Kaep and (Tate or Lafell) for Laurinitus and Blue?

No Deal.

The Counter: How about Kaep and Gordon and Gore for Maclin, Blue and any LB?

Shit. That means giving up a top 10 QB, a could be monster WR, and a top 20 RB for a top 5 WR a handcuff for Foster and Lavonte David (second in tackles to Kuechly).

Roll the dice, boy, roll the dice.

And sold.

So over the last six weeks (I'm gonna continue through the playoffs, even if I'm out) I'm gonna track trades and see how they work out.

The idea is that they do. And, hopefully, it gives you, my fantasy bretheren a little courage to do the same. If not this year than the next.

Trades are so much fun.

Freakin do it.


Detroit beats Miami, CJ goes for 150  (Yes, but CJ 113, leaving 102 for Tate. Nice guy)

Gore goes for 120 (81, but a TD and secures the love of a grateful nation) 

Sanchez 300 yrds and 4TDs (332 and 2TD's. Damn Sanchez, you dirty)

Oakland beats Denver  (Nope)

Cutler is sacked by Matthews 4 times (Only once. The other three sacks belong to Burnett, Barrington, and Peppers)


Oakland beats San Diego (cause fuck yeah!)

Aldon Smith sacks Eli 3 times (cause fuck yeah!)

Dirty Sanchez connects with Maclin for 100yrds (cause trades . . . fuck yeah)

Detroit introduces Arizona to it's daddy (cause I really want the Niners in the SuperBowl)

I win both Week 11 Fantasy games (because, seriously, BeersAtTen needs a loss, doesn't deserve it, they've played a masterful game this year and I love them dearly, but they need at least one loss and I need to do it)

Also, don't forget that I'll be playing live at the Sera Fina Winery this Sunday from 1-4.

So if music be the food of love . . . and Cam Newton is hurt and his coach needs to take him out of the game when they are losing that badly . . .

Play on.


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