The 40ft POST: Fan Death

I think I'm starting to get superstitious.

It seems to me that every time I shower and shave Sunday morning, my fantasy football teams do well.

The days I decide to keep my three day shadow, not so much.

The showering part is non-negotiable, but removing all those gray bristles from my epidermis just prior to kick off might be the way to make it to the playoffs.

Which is exactly what I was thinking about when I was listening to a radio report on superstition.

One report was a very specific Korean superstition about how keeping a fan on while you sleep will kill you.

You know it has to be true because it was on NPR.

But yeah, apparently manufactured wind is a death sentence.

There were three theories postulated about this particular superstition. One, that the cooling will lower your body temperature so much that hypothermia becomes a real thing. The second, and my favorite, that an electric fan in a closed room just circulates hot air which in turn will suffocate the unsuspecting snoozer. The third, creepiest, is that it is the fallout from a Korean Government conspiracy trying to get people to use less electricity in the evenings.

Either way though . . . 

It's referred to a Fan Death.

Which is exactly the term I would use to describe the Rams trashing the Niners on what would otherwise be a lovely afternoon in Santa Clara.

See . . . it's not so much that they lost. That would bum out any fan. But they lost in what looked like to me to be the dumbest way possible.

Which is another way of saying that they didn't listen to me last week.

Last week I made a point of describing their season so far. When they run, they win. When they don't run, but get lucky (crazy impossible throws, sloppy opponent play, etc.) they win. When they don't run and they don't get lucky, they lose.

So I'm watching the game hoping that they'll do what seems most logical to me which is run the ball for 3.5. Then run the ball four 4. Then throw a quick slant route to Boldin (or Davis) down the middle. They can do this with zero fan fair, getting to the line of scrimmage quickly, and just marching down the field while the defense is still on their heels.

Why would they do that? Simple: Their receivers aren't getting seperation and Kaepernick has ZERO pocket time. And they simply need to dominate time of posession because their defense isn't quite ready to take on brutal offenses (cough, cough, Denver, cough).

Or . . . Or . . . 

They could call a bunch of passing plays in the huddle, then saunter over to the line of scrimmage, give Kaep a moment to realize that that play isn't going to work, yell KILL KILL KILL, change the play at the line, watch while the defense doesn't move, and then cough up yards on a sack.

Like EIGHT Times.

The worst was the final set of downs on the last drive.

First and goal. I say give it to Gore. But no . . . throw it to Crabtree who doesn't make the stretch.

Second and One: I say give it to Gore. But no . . . get hurried in the pocket and throw it away.

Third and One: I say give it to Gore. But no . . . QB sneak resulting in a fumble and the end of the game.

Now I suspect the Harbaugh has a copy of The Art of War in his glove compartment, and if you've read it, you'd know that the chief strategy against an opponent is the element of surprise.

Do what your enemy doesn't expect.

But Harbaugh's copy must be missing the final page of the first chapter which continues the thought "Surprise your enemy" with the final sentence that says "But, don't be stupid."

And here's the thing. They can play any way they want. They can refuse to make any adjustments after their Bye Week, they can refuse to make any adjustments during half time . . . whatever. But knowing what I know now about the game is really making it hard for me to watch.

Which in it's own way a kind of Fan Death.

The season is passed the halfway mark and if anything is clear . . . it's that nothing is clear. Peyton has no answer for a radically inspired Tom. Rivers has no answer for a very angry Miami. Big Ben found someone else to throw to besides Antonio. Sanchez might be a better QB than Foles. The Raiders held their own against Seattle (didn't win . . . but dayum!) Kyle Orton has fantasy relevence. Corderele Patterson does not. Michael Vick got injured (no . . . wait . . . that was a gimme) and Ingram has gone for over a hundred yards for two games straight.

The race is on man . . . the race is on.

Romo went down. Foles, with a broken clavical, Lamar Miller, shoulder, Giovanni, jock itch, Michael Vick, karma. Arian Foster with an undisclosed something something. Get well soon everybody (Yes . . . even Vick . . . but only because my bother-in-law is a Jets fan)

We could see the return of half of Detroit's offense, and half of NorLean's RBBC, and there's a rumor that the Bears are going to create passing plays for Cutler outside of the pocket, which, if true, means he's going to have to switch from his steady diet of HarveyWallBangers to Crystal Meth which might give Marshall owners some breathing room.

In the Bad Decision column, the Niners still aren't running the ball, and Adrian Peterson might be allowed to play this year. Kudos to the guys that picked him up on the waiver wire so quickly, though as a man and a father, I hope you feel just a little icky inside.

So last week I thought that the Niner game was going to be the fun one, but I think it just left us all empty and cold like the one night stand who leaves at 2am and forces you to realize that you're the ugly one.

Now if you like Offense, the Bear vs the Packers, both with leaky front lines and cement footed secondaries, both teams fresh off a Bye, I would not be surprised if the point total in this game topped 82.

Or, if you like Defense, the battle between Phillie and Carolina on Monday Night is going to fun. We get to see how Carolina does against McCoy (Ingram got 100 yards last week, but it took him 30 carries to do it, and I don't think the Panthers have as much respect for Sanchez as they did Brees) And Phillie's D has been a Pick-Six machine, so either we're gonna see a lot of yards on Cam's legs, or the Eagle's defense outscoring the Eagles offense.

I think I'm gonna have to make hotwings Monday Night.

Niners lost pathetically. Raiders lost with their heads held high.

But when asked how his team played so hard, Sporano gave the best quote of the week:

"We didn't fly up here to lose"

Yeah, baby, yeah.

ForFuns League (4-5) 8th place
ForReals League (5-4) 3rd place

This was a really interesting week in that I had a very good line up for both teams. The projections were way above average and my opponents were way below.

And I lost both games.

Sure I wish I had gotten more out of Kaepernick and Gore, sure I wish I had gotten more out of Taliefaro and I'm really not sure why I benched Sanu over Robinson (that was dumb from every angle) but for the most part, my teams did me proud.

However, in both games, I was up against the guys that loaded up last minute late round flyers that turned out to go gang busters. I really had no chance. There wasn't a single move I would have made differently (except the Sanu thing, which wouldn't have made a difference).

Would I rather win ugly than lose cleanly?

Damn right I would. But I have the second highest total score in my ForReals League, and the highest score on the ForFuns Team, so my planning has paid off, even if my luck hasn't.

Point is, all horn tooting aside, I'm not a total embarassment this year, so far, so yay.

Ingram and Newton run for a combined 200 yards (143, so close-ish)

Eli has his best game of the year. (2nd best thanks to garbage time)

Raiders beat Seattle (Okay, this didn't happen. But look at the QB stats. Carr had 194yrds on 24 catches and 2 TDs. Wilson had 179 yrds on 17 and ZERO TDs. Thank goodness for Lynch because one successful onside kick and I would've been legally obligated to change my middle name to Nostradamus.)

80 total points Denver/New England (64)

Michael Floyd has a great game but only if I bench him (Benched, bad game, boo)


Detroit cripples Miami, Megatron has 150 yrd day

Gore rushes for 120yrd against New Orleans, I get a cease and desist order from the Cardinals and the Seahawks.

Sanchez throws for 300 yrds and 4 TD's, riots in New Jersey.

Oakland beats Denver.

Cutler drops his shoulder into Clay Matthews four times.

That's the story for this morning glory . . . and remember . . . 

Don't let Fan Death frighten you away from a good night's sleep.

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