Cough.
That's the virus that happens to absolutely love the exact temperature of your nose and sinuses.
Viruses are interesting little things, if you don't mind getting a little gross. They aren't really what we call life forms . . . like bacteria or platypuses . . . they're just long stands of DNA in a protein shell that highjack cells and turns them into virus factories.
If life was a lazy middle school math teacher . . . viruses would be dittos.
I must've got a ditto up my nose at some point in the last week cause now I have a cold.
Cough.
That's what the common cold is. A virus. This one's probably the Rhinovirus which has simple symptoms and makes you uncomfortable for a few days and then leaves well enough alone. There are other viruses that cause the symptoms of the common cold but can be dramatically more instistant upon wrecking your weekend.
20% of the viruses that cause cold symptoms haven't even been discovered.
Cause who goes to a bacteriologist every time they get a little mucusy?
Cough.
Itchy throat followed by a mild cough follwed by more snot than you're ever gonna know how to deal with. I spent the better part of yesterday laid up and sipping whatever hot beverage my wife was lovely enough to feed me.
I don't mind be sick. It's just a thing that happens.
I'm achy and uncomfortable most of the time anyway so buckets of mucus effluvia is just more irritating than tragic. I actually kinda like that effortless floaty feeling when you haven't had coffee in two days and you're belly is full of TheraFlu and super salty chicken noodle broth that you ate out of an oversized mug.
I'd take that over heroin anyday.
Bathing is nice too.
I have a really little tub that seats about 3/4's of a full sized human, so it's not exactly a luxurious experience, but you know, with a big glass of juice and a cheap paperback novel, anywhere can be a vacation.
Who needs to wash their knees anyway?
Cough.
My son asked me if I was sick because I was working too hard.
Probably not . . . I told him . . . but I will try to take it easy this week just in case.
That made him feel better.
I was lying, but how would he know that? It's only Monday and I'm an hour and a half behind schedule.
I haven't even showered yet.
Anyway, as I was sitting on the couch, sipping bubbly water, creating a tremndous pile of gooey tissues, I felt something weird missing. There was a part of the sick experience that wasn't there.
And I realized that I wasn't glued to day time TV like I'm supposed to be.
When you stay home sick, you're supposed to find that one channel . . . because believe it or not . . . there was a time when remote controls didn't exist and you had to be incredibly keen enough to choose correctly because you were not getting up again.
Bob Barker.
Phil Donahue.
Soap Operas.
All of that gone now. All of that sentenced to death. No reprieve or stay of execution from the governor.
Flip the switch. It's all over.
There was a pointed bit of sadness, but that was just the pinprick of nostalgia, not any real sense of loss. I mean . . . that stuff was terrible . . . just terrible . . .
Terrible.
So it's a good thing that we have YouTube, and Netflix, and HBOGO. I can catch up on things, rewatch some things, take the screen with me from room to room. Hit pause when I gotta pee, take the earbuds out of my ears gently and drift off to sleep whenever. The modern age is a sick person's paradise.
Sort of.
Not everyone gets the luxury of a 3/4 sized bath tub and as many days as they want to watch Law and Order reruns. I would say if there was one thing that I hated about working retail it was the sick policies and protections.
There is nothing worse than working with the public with a cold.
Making people's food and wiping you nose every few minutes.
So gross.
If I could have changed the rules it would have been to create a buffer of enough staff so that at the slightest hint of unregulated snot that person could be kicked out of the store no questions asked.
That would've been prohibitively expensive.
Nice though.
At least it would've been nice.
But my theories are as obsolete as day time TV.
Anyway, it's summer time and I'm just about done with my first cold of the year. It will most likely be my last. I hope the same bug doesn't stretch out among my household . . . I'm pretty good about not blowing my nose on things, washing my hands every few minutes, making sure the snot rags go straight to the trash and not pile up on my wife's side of the bed.
Summer colds are the worst kinds of colds because you can't really bundle up and feel cozy, the dry air from the A/C makes a rough throat even rougher, and there's so much goddam light everywhere.
The sun really needs a dimmer switch.
As it stands, I promised my nine-year-old that I wouldn't work too hard (tee-hee) and I do have a rather daunting list of projects and chores for the rest of the week, so it's time to finish my coffee, shower, and do stuff.
Cough.
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