Five things Boys do

So This happened.

Which, of course it did.

Summer is here and it's time to get rid of the facial hair.

But before I go all baby faced, it's seriously time to sport a little lip fur.

A nose caterpillar?

A "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

And it was actually my wife's idea. She was totally hip to the idea of a handle bar mustache like the boys in the sepia toned daguerreotypes.

Yet, I come out of the shower like this and she won't kiss me.

It's creepy.

And it makes me look like I'm forty.

No one wants to kiss a guy with a shaggy snot rug.

I had to sport one of these once for two whole months while playing a member of the WPA in an appalacian depression era play. My character's name was Wilson Walker.

"Hi, my name is Wilson Walker and I'm from the WPA."

except it sounded like "DubbYa, Pee Yay"

Mother's would hide their children and I'd have to repeat this: "It's for a play" over and over, but the girls never stopped laughing. I don't think my girlfriend would kiss me then either.

Anyway, it got me to thinking about all the weird stupid stuff that boys have to do, because, well, they're boys.

We're boys.

Number One: Unique Expressions of Facial Hair

Let's see, I've done the goatee, the Hulk Hogan Handle Bars, the Civil War muttonchops, and of course, of course, the Luke Perry 90210 Quarter Sideburns. Takes me weeks to get the five o'clock shadow look, but that's the easiest to maintain and hides nicely my developing double chin.

Number Two: Eating a live bug

Chocolate covered insects, dead goldfish, or juicy boogers don't count. Gotta be live, gotta be squirmy, gotta have antennae.

Number Three: Greasy Bloody Knuckles.

The kind you get when you have to work on some kind of motor. And you have to, at some point, work on a motor. Extra points for something cool and classic, but a lawn mower will do just fine. If you don't know the taste of your own blood and 40 weight, return your man card to the nearest book club and head to Sears.

Number Four: Play a Sport.

Doesn't have to be an awesome cool sport like football or badminton. And most importantly you don't have to be any good at it. It can even be super nerdy, like, a week ago I saw all these tubby PC gamers gather together at a park, dressed up like world of WarCraft Characters (if WOWc universe had ample amounts of duct tape) and fight with padded swords. Kids who couldn't make it all the way around the track without stopping to walk, fighting like medieval knights, so, you know, it doesn't have to be ESPN 3 worthy, but there should be the possibilty, however remote, of a broken bone. Golf . . . Does . . . Not . . . Count, unless you're a tree and you're between my brother and the flag.

Number Five (and most importantly): Something stupid to impress a girl.

Or boy. Homosexuality isn't a "Get out of Jail Free" card when it comes to awkward behavior. The ability to move to the back beat on a dance floor only increases your potential for epic failure. But the lengths you will go, the leaps you will take, the depths to which you are willing to dive, well, those are the things that give you a lifetime of great stories with which to regail your grand children with. Without them, however observed a life you may have lived, there's gonna be nothing for your loved ones to laugh about at your death bed. 

I myself, not ever even attempting to dance, dyed my hair jet black once. A decision that took years to grow out.

Actually, on second thought, I did try to learn how to dance.

I have the shoes and the scars to prove it.

Now give us a kiss, lil lady.