Something Something Lolligagging

Everything has it's own certain truth.

There are general truths such as "There is no such thing as a free lunch." and "When she say's she's 'Fine', she's anything but." Any one of us could name a thousand different truths ranging from basic hygiene to nuclear science, and some of these we only need be told once, and some of these we need to learn over and over again until we reach that age where we're just unwilling to make that same mistake again.

The reason I bring it up is because Tee-Ball tryouts just happened.

Now my blood runs just as red white and blue as any other american out there. I have oiled my glove, kicked the dirt off my cleats, and placed a plastic cup between my genitals and the outside world. Sure I may have only participated in one year of little league and proven to be an absolute embarrassment to organized sports. I may have stood five feet from home plate because I was too scared to get any closer and I may have broken down sobbing when it was my turn at bat, but I did make contact with the ball once even if it was a short and slow ground ball to first base. And I did get on base a couple of times due to my unconventional stance and a ten year old pitcher's inability to throw the ball with any degree of accuracy, so for all intents and purposes, lets just say I get baseball.

Would I jump at the chance to join a league?


But I can play catch with my old man and am perfectly happy with a beer and a hot dog and bleacher tickets on a Tuesday night in July.

So unlike soccer, a silly game played by silly people, I can be a little more participatory like all good dads should be when their boys are playing sports.

So Tee-Ball tryouts happened.

And I realized that there are only a few truths I know about baseball.

And most of those came from baseball movies.

Like: There's no crying in baseball.

Unless you're seven years old and get hit in the face by a ground ball that popped up at the last second.  The likelihood of this happening is exactly 100%. I've never met a man in my life who doesn't remember getting hit in the face by a ground ball that popped up at the last second and the bloody nose that followed.

I hit Calvin in the face playing catch once and it has taken over a year to get him to come out and play catch with me again.

Another truth about baseball is that its a simple game: You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball.

And something something about lolligagging.

Anyone else still find it a little sad that Susan Sarandan and Tim Robbins are no longer a thing?

It just seems sad to me.

But there is one truth that I do remember from experience:

Never swing on a 3-0 pitch.

If you don't know what a 3-0 pitch is, don't worry, it simply means that the pitcher has thrown three balls outside of the strike zone. If he/she throws one more, then the batter gets to walk to first base.

If you don't swing at that pitch then there's a good chance you'll get on base. If you do swing at the pitch, you'll either whiff it, hit it foul, hit it up and get caught out, hit it down and get thrown out, or hit it perfectly and get to first base.

Swinging at a 3-0 pitch is a no no, cause you're basically saying that you care nothing for statistics, let alone your team mates, and you're the kind of jerk that doesn't like to play by there rules, which is awesome in punk rock, but ridiculous in Tee-Ball.

Now its a little different in the big leagues, where the truthism is that you should never swing on a 3-0 pitch if your team has a comfortable lead.

The reason for this might take some explaining, but rest assured, if you don't already know why, then you will never need to know why and if you can't contain yourself, then google it on your own dime.

So when I teach my son the truth about baseball, I can tell him with absolute authority that he should never swing on a 3-0 pitch.

Except that he's playing Tee-Ball this year and there will be no pitching.

But I can tell him not to lollygag.

And that there is no crying in baseball.

Until he gets hit in the face with a ground ball that pops up at the last second.

Which will happen.

And its okay to cry.

Cause that shit really hurts.

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