Friday Life Cheats

News flash: Lance Armstrong used performance enhancing drugs.

Now I don't want to shock you, but it turns out that rich people steal and unknown actresses are willing to have sex for walk ons.

All life is a game. And to win some pie for yourself you gotta do a little cheating. A B A B Up Down Left Right Start.

If you didn't get that last joke, you didn't have a Nintendo in 1989, which suddenly made me nostalgic for Super Mario Bros and Round Table Pizza.

Don't you wish you still had the LiveStrong bracelet? I would totally sport that shit right now.

Anyway, if you've found that your lack of success in life is questionable, let me regale you with a few little cheating techniques I learned in my careful study of such things:

1. Be Born Rich.
First and foremost if you want to make a splash in any field your gonna need time, money and connections. The best way to do that is to have parents who have those things already and are willing to share.

2. Drugs.
Can't hit 64 home-runs fueled by Wheaties, can't have a tech boom without cocaine, and neither Cheech nor Chong studied with Uta Hagen at the Actors studio.

3. Be Pretty.
People are willing to give you things because of how ashamed they feel for imagining themselves having sex with you, or for how awkward they were when they did have sex with you, or because you're pretty. Whatever.

4. If you can't be pretty, Be a Dickhead.
When you're an asshole/insufferable bitch, people assume that you know something that they don't and are willing to relinquish power. This one can however back fire if the Dickhead above you knows this little cheat and doesn't want to pee in the executive stall next to you.

5. Blind Ambition.
If you like your couch, or drinking beer, or long pointless novels, playing with your kids, easy-cheese, sweat pants, if you want to spend the extra time getting something right, making something good, expressing what you feel, if you think its not too much to ask if you could be on bottom once in a while, then you clearly don't have what it takes to skip a few levels. There's no shame in taking the bunny slope, but don't forget that the ass hat who lunges for the triple diamond on his first try is going to have a better story to tell. Not to mention getting down the mountain faster.

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