184.
Wait . . . what?
184.
Wait . . . that's like 5 pounds heavier than I was on Friday morning.
So I had to think back.
How did that happen?
Oh . . . yeah . . . now I remember. There was that whole food walk on Saturday Night where we ate our fill at five different restaurants over the course of three hours. Then there was the doughnuts Sunday morning, followed by bannana bread, a turkey sandwich, chips and salsa, and glorious glorious beer. Then a reasonable Monday breakfast, followed by a sensible Monday Lunch, followed by two trays of Nachos and more glorious beer.
So if you were to ask me what happened to my diet . . . I guess I could tell you.
Yet, if you were to ask me what the hell happened in Football this week . . . well . . . I'm sorry officer . . . but I have no idea how fast I was going.
It was like hours upon hours of non-stop upsets. (The least of which being my fantasy defense, which we'll get to in a bit). The Jags upset the Browns, the Steelers upset the Texans, the Broncos dropped the hammer on the 49ers, and the Rams edged passed the Seahawks in the most stunning display of "I don't care how good you are, we're not playing to lose"
Hell . . . even the Raiders went down.
Oh . . . no . . . wait . . . that was expected. Though it was nice that the city of Oakland was classy enough not to throw anything more dangerous than ice and coins at the Cardinal's sidelines.
Keepin it real, Oaktown, keepin it real.
Having a tough day also were the Bengals (Shoulda got Sanu rolling much earlier), Kirk Cousins (shoulda spent some time remembering which color jerseys your team was wearing), Jay Cutler (Jesus Jay, don't drink so much on Saturday night), and everyone who benched Eli this week. God it hurts everytime his name is brought up.
I'd note that Fitzpatrick had a tough showing too, but that's his own fault for throwing the ball.
Why are you doing that, Mr Snuffalupagus, why?
I mean the best part about the Texans Offense is that they can literally begin each play by yelling to the other team "Hey . . . we're gonna hand the ball to Arian Foster and he's going to run to the weak side and cut just before he reaches Timmons."
They could do that every single play and still get four yards.
Or . . . they could try to mix it up with a little 'play-action' when they're in their own end-zone and hand the Steelers back to back touch downs in the last 37 seconds of the 2nd quarter.
You know, like the pros do it.
Speaking of Pros
IN THE BIG NEWS:
Of course the big news is all about Peyton breaking the all time TD record. Woo hoo or whatever.
I mean, yeah, it's a total big deal.
But . . . you know . . . big deal.
I must say, though, that I'm getting a little tired of the 'old man' talk. The dude is 38.
I'm 38 and I haven't even gotten started with my life yet. Can you imagine being 38 and realizing that everything you will ever do of note is now passed you? Half of your life you get to spend as a 'has-been' or a 'once-was' or the silent partner in three Papa John's franchises.
At least Nationwide is on his side.
After my first novel is published I do have plans for a micro-brewery, or a sandwich shop, or a burrito shop, or a hotdog stand, or a mix of any of those. My mamma didn't raise no dummy.
Anyway, congrats and all, but I think the bigger news is how Russell Wilson just became the first QB in history to throw for 300 yards and run for and additional 100.
That makes him this week the number one QB and a top 5 RB.
And yet still lost the game.
Ouch.
Awesome.
But ouch.
WHAT TO WATCH:
Now last week I pretty much jinxed my self by parading around like I knew what I was talking about and insisting that the 49er/Broncos game what gonna be hot-shit.
It was more like thin drool or watery vomit.
I mean, yeah, records were broken, but the Niners just folded. It was like they were coming off a short week and playing on the road against a SuperBowl contender and decided to use the same plan as they used against the Rams.
Was it realistic to apply the same tricks against Peyton Manning as you did against Austin Davis?
That question might equally apply to the Seahawks with different results.
Anyway, this week my go to story is gonna be the NFC match-up of Phillie and Arizona.
Two teams. Identical 5-1 records.
Philly needs the win to challenge the Cowboys
Arizona needs to lose to give the Niners a better shot.
Coming off the Bye, with the O-Line back in town, will Philly get Shady into space? How's Sprole's MCL? Can the defense get to Palmer? Can Palmer get to Fitzgerald? Can anyone get to Fitzgerald? Who would win in a REAL cage fight . . . a Cardinal or an Eagle?
Maybe that last one is too obvious.
INJURIES AND BAD DECISIONS:
Well the Buffalo Bills got the lions share of injuries this week with both Jackson and Spiller going down. Spiller breaking his collar bone and most likely out for the season. There's a real good chance that he won't be returning to the Bills next year since his contract is up. If he gets picked up by anyone but the Raiders, he's gonna be one to watch for next year. Also down went Pierre Thomas and it seems like a ton of nameless Offensive Linemen.
No one was caught saying or doing anything really stupid, in fact, some suspensions might even be reduced due to good behavior.
That's nice to hear.
NORCAL NOTES:
I must admit, I'm really enjoying Derek Carr. I mean, yeah, he's really more a game manager at this point, but he's not taking a lot of sacks (hint hint Fitzpatrick) and he's only filling the stat sheat during garbage time, but moving forward (and assuming the Raiders don't go into next season with the oldest team in the league again), if he gets some fresh legs to hand the ball off to, he's really the guy that's gonna push Oakland into their next rebuild. Hopefully I'm still around in 2016 to see it.
Now . . . about them Niners . . . hmmm.
Here's the thing; I don't know if it's just my inexperience, but its seems to me like they're trying to play a game of chess during a UFC cage match.
Watch what happens: The offense goes into the huddle. Then to the line of scrimmage. Then Kaepernick changes the play based on the defensive looks he's getting. Then they get smoonched or they get super lucky. When they get lucky, they win games. When they get smoonched, well, then they look like the Giants . . . all hurt and confused.
Opposing defenses aren't stupid. They can smell indecision the way I can smell bacon.
If they're gonna make it to the playoffs, they have to start dominating the pace. Throw in a few 'No Huddle' series to get the defensive lines on the back of their heels and trust in Kaep to break out when a play breaks down.
And would somebody check the gloves of Vernon Davis. I'm pretty sure he's got bricks in there.
But, well, if I knew what I was takling about, then maybe I should manage my own team.
Speaking of managing my own team . . .
FANTASYLAND:
ForFuns League (4-3) 4th place
ForReals League (4-3) 4th place
It's getting exciting up in here and the big dogs are starting to bite.
By now everyone should have a good idea of what their team looks like and are in the process of managing injuries, managing Bye-Weeks, and trying to find some low rank sucker who's willing to trade you a double digit Linebacker for Michael Crabtree.
(I know that's not gonna happen, but a girl's gotta dream)
Last week my ForFuns Team held it together, but just barely (thanks to Forte and Bradshaw), but there were a lot nonsense low scores (Giovanni Bernard, Sanu, and what the eff happened to Brian Cushing?)
In my ForReals Team, a team that did pretty damn good overall, but I still needed 55 points from Foster in order to take the game. (35, not complaining), that was all about Luck.
As in, playing against him, Sammy Watkins, Bradshaw, and freakin Curtis Lofton.
Any Given Sunday.
Amirite?
Now usually I'm in the bottom spot right about now and trying to figure out how I can eek out just one more win. But this time, I'm actually trying to keep my eye on the prize and shoot for the play-offs.
If the early days were about drafting well, and the middle days are all about ninja-ing the waiver wire, then the next three games have to be all about trading and finding that extra 10-15 points.
But trading is really hard. And it's hard not because the mechanics are difficult, it's hard because you're playing with the kind of people that remember statistics for decades.
You make one bad trade, and it will be brought up every year during the draft, Thanksgiving, xmas and your birthday, until you're dead.
Dead.
Now, I like making trades. It's much better than the drop and pray waivers. Value for value. And Yahoo gives you a medal.
But who to trade and for what?
First, know what you need. (ie: I haven't been quiet about needing line-backers. Anyone who reads these posts or takes a second to look at my team, knows I need Line-backers)
Know what you got. Maybe it's an extra WR, or QB, or TE. Someone you might have been holding onto for a Bye Week (Like I've been holding Kaepernick and Cutler and every week just agonizing over who to use.) I could just pick one and ride that pony and save myself the grief, but because the waiver wire is so filled with upside QB's, I couldn't get much more than a middle of the road kicker for either one of them.
Know who needs what you got . . . and has got what you needs. There are eleven other competitors, surely there is someone who is struggling to find a TE and has been hording RBs.
Know the point differential between what you're getting and what you're giving and what's on the waiver wire.
Like a solid LB means an extra 5-10 points per week that can't be found on the wire. No one is going to want Michael Crabtree for that because there's WR value all over the place (And if Crab doesn't start gaining some seperation, he's gonna be droppable soon) However, TE's are at a premium and a reliable one is 5-10 points above the average.
RB's are a little more tricky cause they go down so freakin fast and without warning and there is a reason that one guy has been hording them all season long. He's not going to trade with you. Not for all the Antonio Browns in the world.
He secretly hates every position but RB and goes several games with empty slots because he's unwilling to drop Jonathon Stewart.
And what's the best way to trade? (assuming you skip RB guy)
Well, the best way to trade is simply to put it out there. Only three things can happen:
One . . . the other team laughs or ignores you. (That feels weird, you don't wanna feel like you're being a jerk, or stupid) Like early on in the year I offered to trade Kaepernick for Gronk (who was a major injury question mark and was seriously unlikely to put up stats with Brady throwing the way he was). My TE went down and the other team had Brady and not a single back-up QB. Kaep would give the other team 10-20 points better in the weeks ahead, and Gronk would give me an extra 5-10 in a thin market. Obviously, I was betting on the future, but I forgot that anyone who owns both Gronk and Brady isn't likely to give up either of them until mid-november. The trade was ignored. And five weeks later, it's obvious that the trade was skewed in my favor. But who cares now? They're 1-6 and haven't even gotten to the Patriot's Bye week yet.
Now looking back, had they countered, with let's say Cutler for Gronk, they'd be up 50 points, and I'd only be up by 12 points (having gone with Donnel) and down 20 points with an every week load of Kaep.
Which leads to the second possiblity . . . the counter offer. You throw up a trade and the other team doesn't like it, but they're willing to bargain. This makes trading really fun. A back and forth dialogue until both party feels like they got something good.
And you still get the medal. :)
The last possibility is that the trade goes through, no questions asked. Awesome. Don't look back.
The point I'm making is that trading is a part of the game that should be handled with lots more fun. Try it. It's not crazy or stupid and like the trade I made with my brother last year (I gave him Gordon for Demarco) It sky rocketed him to victory and I got a win out of it (I still ended up in the basement, but a win is a win is a win)
Speaking of crazy/stupid . . .
CRAZY/STUPID PREDICTIONS LAST WEEK:
Dallas hands the Giants another big Donut (Nope. But a win is a win is a win)
Vick runs for 82 yards (Nope. But when this does happen, and it will, remember that you saw it here first)
Big Ben is sacked 7 times. (Only 3, but there were six shoulda been sacked moments . . . cause . . . you know Big Ben)
Carson Palmer throws for 350yrds. (Nope. Only 250. But what can you expect from a guy when he's getting pelted with ice and nickels?)
Seattle goes to their 2nd string by the 3rd quarter (Hell nope. But they do get to go into week 8 with a very clean clock.)
CRAZY/STUPID PREDICTIONS FOR WEEK 8:
Cutler sobers up enough to throw three TD's: One to Bennet, One to Forte, and One to Revis.
Daniel Thomas gets a rushing TD and Miller owners seek medical attention.
Harvin goes for 100 yrds, but picks a fight with Vick and loses.
Carolina beats Seattle and Lynch makes the switch to Reeses Pieces.
During the DET/ATL game, commentators spend at least fifteen minutes weighing the pros and cons of a NFL team in London. "Shut Up!" Phil Simms says something like "In order for a team to move to London they'd have to learn how to drive on the left side of the road . . . "
That's all I gots for this week;
Remember, trading is fun, winning is funner, beer and nachos funnest.
(PS: As of this morning I'm back down to 180. The colon is a wonderful thing.)
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