Changing Everything

Missed me?

Sorry about that.


I usually like to take a week off from writing at the beginning of summer vacation, just to feel like a kid again. That . . . and now that I have a nine-year-old hounding my every move, I have to reconsider my life choices.

Actually, the only real change is that I have to book computer time with his publicist, and the 1:00pm naps are now out of the question.

So that's my usual M.O.

(Which stand for Modus Operandi)

(Which translates into Way of Doing Things)

But this June has been remarkably different. 

See . . . tomorrow afternoon I will be signing a publishing contract for my first novel.

That was a really fun sentence to write.

I'm gonna write it again.

Tomorrow afternoon I will be signing a BOOK CONTRACT!

Let that sink in. Let the joy bubble up. Take a breath. Now consider the possibilities.

So far, the best response, was from my step-son who immediately asked if we were gonna be rich. The answer to the question is a certifiable "No" but only because he was referring to financial richness and not something more esoteric like emotional or life-richness.

If peace/love, friends/family, passion/purpose, were monotizable, I'd already be a member of the 1%.

I'd probably be the 1% of the 1%.

So a book contract is cool, but it's sauteed mushrooms on the filet minion of life.

It does however . . .  change everything.

And by "Everything" I really just mean "Me"

See, up until I got the notice, I had a very different idea of what the next year was going to look like. I had plans within plans, projects to finish, projects to start, projects to do away with.

In fact . . . this blog . . . which I've been writing for three years now . . . was (sadly to say) going to go bye-bye.

I wasn't going to stop my daily writing, but I was planning on focusing it in a different direction and have it serve a different purpose. Still funny and irreverent, but less "Wait . . . Dad?" focused and more pop-culture focused and I was planning on finishing it with my second novel, a father-son adventure, and then see what other parts of the world are ready for my exploration.

I finished that novel, by the way.

It's good.

Or . . . at least my wife read it in two days . . . and is happy with it.

Which . . . let's be honest . . . is the highest praise I'll probably ever need.

So I was planning on heading into the unknown and spent the month of May gearing up in one direction, and now, ooops, hooray . . . I'm heading in a different one all together.

The beauty of it all is that I'll have an entire marketing department peddling my product . . . the sad thing is is that I will not be able to write so many marketing jokes.

That was a deep well to mine.

And now, since there will be people reading my work who I haven't met, I have to reconstruct my voice so that it remains as edgy as ever, but you know, doesn't give away my location or where my children go to school.

Ha ha. You thought I was going to have to be nicer.

Not a chance.

So "Wait . . . Dad?" will indeed be dying out, but will be replaced with something identical that doesn't give you a description of what my son looks like.

Safety first.

And of course your next question will be "When can I go to Barnes and Noble and buy a copy?"

The straight skinny on that . . . I have no idea.

Here's what I do know. Starting this week I will be talking shop with a real life editor, who a few weeks from now will send me a copy of my book that is covered in red ink and filled with comments like "You can't end a sentence a preposition!", "You've spelled this character's name three different ways!" and "I hope you're kidding about this chapter." and "Please tell me you're not trying to invent new ways to use the F-Word."

Which will lower my spirits, but not my resolve.

I also have to have a cover design. Which I will try myself (because I'm infuriating) then I will try to go on the cheap and find a highschool kid with at least a little experience with Photoshop, and then I'll have to suck it up and pay a professional for something that's nice, but that I won't be entirely satisfied with.

On or before September 20th, 2015, I will be contractually obligated to deliver the final proof.

Then, my publisher has up to 18 months in which to publish the book, or cancel the contract.

So at the latest, you can get your own copy in the spring of 2017, right about the same time as Bernie Sanders is giving his innaugural address.

It's gonna be a long 2016.

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