"The World's Guy" Five

So every afternoon when picking up my son from school I happen to chance upon NPR's broadcast of "The World"

It's a show about what's going on in places other than here.

I don't listen to the show that often, because the news around the world never seems to change much.

As in . . . it's always terrible.

The world is a scary place.

But I catch the tail end of the show which is usually focused on sports and music.

Did you know that there are people who actually play Cricket? They have leagues and everything.

The music is pretty fun, though I have a sinking suspicion that most world music is influenced by Paul Simon's 'Graceland' and not so much with the native traditions.

Anyway, they were doing a story about Futbol, and the anchor introduced a person he referred to as "The World's Soccer Guy."

And it took me a second that he was referring to The World as the show, not the world as the World. And in that second I thought how awesome it would be to have that as your professional title.

Like "The World's Mathlete" or "The World's Podiatrist."

I've decided that I now have a new goal in life. I'm gonna be "The World's Guy" in some fashion. Here are the Five things I think I can bring to the table:

The World's Patrick Swayze Guy:
I could report on and officiate for all Patrick Swayze related activities. From mullet judging to compiling famous quotes. I could inaugurate "Dirty Dancing Month" (Which is August BTW), deliver the commencement speech for "The Outsiders" reunion, and act as the final authority for any Patrick Swayze movie remakes. The answer is no. No you cannot remake that movie. The decision is final.

The World's Weapon Manufacturer for Kids 6 and Under:
I like to toot my own horn when it comes to a lot of things, so I won't stop here. When it comes to designing and developing small arms solutions for children I am the undisputed master. From swords and shields to axes and battle wear my son has battled everything from zombies to demon hordes to ninja assassins to dragons to rogue wizards, and has emerged completely unscathed.

The World's Hot Guy:
I know my Scoville units. From salsas to sauces, I can teach the world how to add just the right amount of heat so that the food's flavor comes through but your whole face doesn't burn for three days. In fact, the only thing I'm lacking from a world domination viewpoint, is a good hot-wings recipe.

The World's Plant Killer Guy:
Undisputed champion

The World's Amateur Offseason Fantasy Football Guy:
You know what I did this week? I actually watched the first night of the NFL draft. Why? Cause ever since my brother passed me the Fantasy Football Crack Pipe I can't seem to get enough information into my head. There are four more months before anyone should be reasonably thinking about anything football related and yet I check the NFL app on my phone more than I check my email. And that's not to say I can put any of that information to good use. I can't. But I shit you not, I've actually considered doing a weekly podcast next season. I'm really not certain if I can be stopped.

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