What About the Girls? Five

I'm not immune to click bait.

I just have that curious kind of nature where I sort of want to know which Game of Thrones character I'm most aligned with and the Top Ten Reasons I should vote for Ted Cruz.

I'm not going to, but it's good to know why I should.

Anyway . . . this morning I saw a list of the Top Ten Fastest Growing Restaurants and I simply couldn't help myself. Since I'll probably have to return to a life of retail at some point (don't be sad . . . it's what I'm good at) so . . .  I considered such a click to be market research.

In scrolling through the list I noticed a singular trend.

4 out of 10 were sportswear/barbecue/alehouses with scantily clad girls pouring drinks. Lots of big smiles with shiny white teeth, and of course, boobs.

I honestly can't remember if my decision making has ever been altered by a pair of tits (that didn't belong to my wife, of course), but I see no reason to condemn the practice. As long as everybody is a willing participant and treats each other with a level of respect (LOL), I'm rather indifferent about the whole practice.

Not to say that problems don't occur. As a manager of a "restaurant" I have had to forcibly walk a few men out the door for inappropriate behavior, but after 13 years and about 400 customers per day, I'd say I've dealt with ten times the amount of conflict between two women than with any of the other scenarios combined.

That's not misogynistic, just observational, and I thoroughly invite debate on the subject.

Anyway, the actual point I was trying to make was that it seems to me there is an untapped market for restaurants catering to 53% of the population.

Does that seem right to you?

And I don't think you can just do a reverse Hooters, with Buffalo Mild Wings and shirtless body-builders in bow ties. They have those (I think) and none of them made the Top Ten.

So for today's Friday Five I thought I'd tackle the unthinkable.

What Do Women Want?

1. The Place
Okay . . . when not roaming in the family pack, women travel in three succinct groups. The single, don't touch me, I just wanna drink before I go home. The Duo, besties, who want to talk, and share their feelings. And, of course, the Bridal Shower, who want to get a little rowdy. So the place would have to be big, real restaurant sized, with a seriously long bar on the side of the entrance, intimate tables in the middle with seats for four, but cozy for two, and all along the perimeter would be U-Shaped couches around big square coffee tables.

Lots of napkins.

Lots of coasters.

2. The Food
Finger food and Comfort food. Tapas and Pasta and soups or stews. No salads.

Why no salads? Because all people go out to restaurants to EAT. If one woman orders a salad then they all have to order a salad, when really, what they're there for, is a double order of pulled pork sliders. Take away the salad options and everybody is happy.

However, options must be a thing. Men order food based on the picture and/or whether there is Bacon in the title. Women order food based on how many adjustments they can make to the ingredient list.

Another reason why no salads.

In fact, every ingredient should be available to order on the side.

All meals come with a chocolate desert.

3. The Drinks
Drinks should not come from the bar. Too much of a hassle. Drinks should come from a drink cart on wheels. As soon as you are seated, the drink cart comes to you and sets you up. The drink server should specialize in cocktails and wine. Beer isn't frowned upon, but not advertised.

There needs to be two drink carts per section.

4. The Music.
Classical for lunch, Indie pop for Happy Hour, Country for dinner, smooth jazz for late night.

Don't ask me why. I don't make the rules.

5. The Staff.
All men. Except maybe management and the cleaning crew. Which sounds exactly terrible, I know, I'm sorry. But let's pay the cleaning crew management salaries, cause it's literally the most important part of running a classy establishment.

Okay, for the wait staff, there should be beefcakes in the couch sections, hipsters at the bar, and gentleman serving the tables. The beefcakes should be dressed in tight fitting clothes and have shapely posteriors. The hipsters should have some sort of beard and soulful eyes behind square glasses and at least one tattoo. The gentlemen should be neatly quaffed and remind everyone of someone's grandfather.

Once the drinks have been served the wait staff should pass around the menus and instead of asking if anyone would like to hear about the specials they should ask "Does anyone want to tell me about their day?"

If needed the wait staff is required to sit down and listen, and offer free brownie sundaes.

I think I'll call the place "Cuddles."

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