Dear Dog Five

Dear Dog,

It is 9:47am.

You've been yapping at absolutely nothing since 7:15am.

That's 2 hours and 32 minutes in people time.

In dog time that's like 17 hours and just a little under 45 minutes.

Now, I'm not saying that I care . . . cause I don't . . . but I've finished my third cup of coffee and all my news outlets are dominated by what's going on in France and there is no funny available there, only sadness. Not knowing what to write about I started surfing the net for reasons why little dogs yap the way you've been yapping.

Turns out there are several reasons. First is because you've been bottle fed and coddled, you naturally assume that you're the alpha of your pack and it is your responsibility to protect the entire household from passing cars and leaves falling from the trees. The second is because you're bored. The third you're lonely. The fourth is that you're afraid (cause you're so little and everything else is so big)

There is no fifth reason.

In fact, I had to stretch bored and lonely into two just to get this far.

I searched for an extra fifteen minutes for a fifth reason, but really, it just boils down to 3.5. Which, for someone who is tasked with writing a Friday Five list, is really super annoying.

But then I thought, who am I to judge?

You have your reasons.

All 3.5 of them.

But then I thought . . . well hey . . . I'm an adult male human person with lots of experience in this world, and though I can't offer you kibble, I can possibly maybe offer some alternative activities to yelling at the crack in your fence.

17 hours and just a little under 45 minutes is a long time.

Not Peter Jackson adapting a children's book long . . . but still.

Consider some of these:

First: I heard Yoga is good.
Unkink some of those murderously tight tendons, increase blood flow, splay out those paws, and breathe deep. After a few short sessions you may actually be able to catch that tail.

Second: Day Time TV.
I'm sorry that you were born into a world bereft of Soap Operas. That's really a shame. But just a few minutes a day spent with the kind of people who go on talk shows will give you such a greater feeling of self worth and probably a level of confidence you never knew you had.

Third: Dig an escape tunnel.
I'm not saying that you need to run away, but escape tunnels come in handy. Think about how amazing it will be when you can outflank the gardener and show him who's boss. And . . . maybe you do want to run away. Maybe it's time to go find yourself. Get a car thats much too expensive and a girlfriend who's way too young.

Fourth: Lick yourself.
Cause . . . um . . . you can.

Fifth: Admit that maybe you're just not a morning person.
I feel ya bro. Until my non-steroidal anti-inflammatories kick in and the coffee has worked my heart rate into a tizzy, there isn't a single noise around me that I don't want to punch in the face. Seriously dude . . . sleep in. I know you want to take on the day, put up a fight, early-bird-worm-catching and all, but when was the last time you got some rest? You need you time, man. And those teenagers walking to school this morning, will be walking past you again on their way home. Get 'em on the re-bound.

I promise that a well rested lap-dog is a terror to all those who pass.

You owe it to yourself and your pack.

It's now been officially 18 hours.

And that's a long time man.

A long time.

Your watch has ended.

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