The 40ft POST: Burying the Ball

Gee, I guess you can take the coach out of high school, but you can't take the high school out of the coach.

"This ball represents our last four games . . . and we're gonna . . . I don't know . . . bury it or something . . . huh huh huh."

My first thought was that this was just Sparano doing his famous Beevus and Butthead impression, but it turns out he was trying to channel Belachick circa 2001. I guess there are worse role models, but still, it reminded me of a CEO I once worked for who did this incredibly lame speech about price increases and then decided it would be inspirational to throw nickels into the crowd.

Nickels are not a good thing to throw into a crowd.

Just so you know.

I'm thinking maybe the Raiders' should have promoted someone from the cheerleading squad instead.

At least the highlight reel would be better. Cause . . .you know . . . boobs.

Anyway . . . 

Well, well, well Mr. Tom Brady, seems like someone finally had a big breakfast and ate a handful of gummie vitamins. Now, I'm neither a Brady lover nor a Brady hater, and I'm kind of 'meh' either way when it comes to the Patriots, but I love scrappy-ness (if that's a word) and I liked sorta kinda rootin for them last year when they entered 2013 having lost their entire receiver core, and still made a game out of it. So despite having so many Steelers fans in the family, I actually felt a little sad for the boys watching them, not implode necessarily, but play like they traded their backbone for a third round pick.

But it's entirey possible that Brady was just experiencing a four week brain fart and then suddenly remembered what a defense looked like. I'm not saying this is the turnaround point, but if they do turn their season around, this is the point at which they do it.

So last week was all about looking for a continuation of the Giants actually looking like they know what they're doing in their new offense. And the results were pretty good. (30-20). Unless of course you loaded up Donnel on both of your fantasy teams (which I did) and were really excited to see a full season of Jennings after escaping Oakland and rocking the lead back situation. So good game from them, not such a good game for fake me.

This week's 'What to Watch' is gonna be all on the Thursday Night game.

See . . . the problem that everyone has with the Thursday Night game is, with only being four days passed Sunday, the players don't have enough time to recover, the coaches don't have enough time to strategize, no one has enough time to practice, and the result has been incredibly uneven games that have turn into blood baths. Here are the Thursday night scores so far:

SEA def GB (36-16)
BAL def PIT (26-6)
ATL def TB (56-14)
NYG def WAS (45-14)
GB def MIN (42-10)

Now historically, because of the lack of time with the game tape, Thursday Night is where Running Backs go berserk and defenses just fold. Atlanta/Tampa Bay game was the exception . . . cause . . . well . . . Steven Jackson, but in every case WR's went hog wild too. So Thursday Night, there's just a lot of offense.

But this week's gonna be interesting if the trend holds.

The Colts (a "running" team with a Top 5 Quarter Back) versus the Houston Texans (a Defensive team with a chia-pet for a quarter back).

There are just so many juicy questions to this game. Will Arian Foster be healthy, and if so, will he have more than 100 yards under his belt before the first half is over? If RB's are the Thursday Night "Thing" are we gonna get to see the Trent Richardson that every Fan boy has been dreaming about since late 2012? Or are we gonna see Bradshaw pull a Frank Gore, circa week 4? How often does Watt get to Luck? How often does Luck get to Hilton? How often does Fitzpatrick get sacked and then cuddled like the furry little muppet he is?

No arrests this week, and in fact, there are a lot of good healthy boys returning from drug suspensions.  Super Transformer Calvin Johnson will probably sit for a spell as well as Rashad Jennings and Jimmy Graham, but we might get Carson Palmer back, which I guess is a fair trade.

With Oakland on the Bye, burying the ball, I guess we should celebrate another 49er victory, in which well they went back to an offense of run,run, throw. run run throw. And that's where they need to stay. Good news for them is that their defense is back up to Iron Wall analogies, and Bowman isn't even back yet.

I still think Kaepernick is my favorite QB to watch (so I've felt really bad benching him two weeks in a row)

okay . . . 

not that bad.

ForFuns Team (2-3) 5th place
ForReals Team (3-2) 6th place

Now my ForReals Team pretty much went like it should have. I had a good line-up, everyone was healthy. McCoy had a decent game, Cutler had a great game, Foster had a monster game, and my guy Golden Tate showed that a 900 yd season as a WR1 in Seattle is equivalent to a 1500 yrd season as a W2 anywhere else. (Except Texas) There were some fumbles, Crabtree had foot problems and only had one catch, Donnel was triple covered and didn't even get Crabtree numbers, and Top WR Jordy Nelson only had one catch on the night. Of course it was a 66 yard touch down catch, so I'm just gonna stand over in the 'non-complainers box', but still, and last but not least, I'm still stuggling to get my defensive players going. Remind me when I start writing this column next year.

However . . . 

in my ForFuns League . . .

The most epic/tragic Monday Night Football game in the history of epic/tragic football nights.

See, I went into the weekend with a projected score of 150 vs 102.

I was gonna clean house.

But the dominos started falling. Kaepernick didn't have much of a game. Michael Floyd, Giovanni Bernard, Rashad Jennings, Donnell, all sort of came no where near their projections.

But I did have Forte.

Oh, blessed Forte.

So by the end of Sunday night, I was trailing 109 to 117.

But I had Percy Harvin left to go and my opponent had no one.

Now if you watched the Monday Night game, you can probably guess what happened next.

Harvin was a machine. He was a monster. He was a loaded .45 in the hands of a very angry Clint Eastwood.

He had a 19 yard TD.

Called back on a penalty.

Then he had a 23 yard TD.

Also called back on a penalty.

He had a two yard run and then went to the locker room with a nasty ankle injury.

He came back and looked angrier than ever.

Then (so amazing) he had a 44 yard Touchdown!

But was called back for a penalty.

He never touched the ball again.

I ended up loosing the game 116.94 to 117.50.

This is why I don't gamble with actual money.


Houston wins if Foster gets 10+ carries. (Nope. but I'll just keep the 172yds in my pocket for now)

Gore has a bigger week 5 than week 4 (Nope. Only 25 points to 41) but still 25 points.

Eagles get their offensive line going (Yay! McCoy 81yrds, intstead of 17 or 22, I will also put that in my pocket

Giants have another blowout (Fair to cloudy Win 30-20)

Brady complains of a 'sore elbow' ala Shaub (The exact opposite)

Sparano brings in Tebow (Nope, but he buried a ball. Which we can all agree is much much much much worse) 


Oakland keeps burying the ball, but Rivers still throws for 300+ yrds.

Michael Vick switches back to coffee and runs for 82 yrds.

Cutler and Ryan throw for a combined 650 yrds

Sproles goes off against the Giants, but only if I bench him.

Austin Davis makes a 2014 Week 6 Kenny Britt look like a 2011 Week 2 Kenny Britt.

Alright, so next week we will be halfway through our fake season (give or take) and we'll spend the entire show going over the pre-draft strategies and how they've been working so far.

Until next time,

You can pick your friends, and you can pick your team, but fucking penalties man.

Fucking penalties.

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