Friday Fives: A belly full of 'What?'

So I promised to keep the diet off the blog, because, well, you don't, and shouldn't care.

And two, 

it's sooooo boring.

But a strange thing happened on the way to my forum. I had a wonderfully funny piece all written out for today (booger jokes everywhere), and was all ready to publish, and then I gave it a second look and realized the timing of it might not be appropriate.

I'll use it some other week.

Anyway, now I'm kinda faced with a dilemma. I gots 45 minutes left of quiet time before Skittle Breath finishes soccer camp and demands my undivided attention.

So we're renegging our original promise, because, and I'm sorry for this, I just can't think of anything else.

Don't worry though. It won't not be silly.

Alrighty then: Top Five Diet Related Silliness

First: I took a 'BEFORE' picture
Part of the rules of the program is to keep track of progress. Gotta have a picture of your doughy self where you can see it all the time. So I waited until everyone was a sleep and snuck into the bathroom with my smart phone and for the first time ever, snapped a selfie. Now, I had no intention of putting this picture anywhere where anyone else can see it. My son does not need to see pasty love handles on the fridge door, but rules are rules, and how can you win if you cheat? Anyway, since it has to be somewhere seeable, I decided to make it the screen shot on my iPhone, but forgot to tell Joann, so I get this text, and my 'Before' selfie lights up the screen, and it's cropped from the neck down to my belly button, and I have to explain to my wife that I'm not suddenly interested in gay porn.

Second: I took a cold shower.
The theory is that your resting metabolic rate is higher when your body is trying to make thermal adjustments. Ice water, Ice compresses, and cold showers can have an immediate impact on the burning of calories.

So I tried it. 


Only once.

I will not be doing that again.

The theory might be sound and there might be a buttload of personal success stories, but I have one word for that theory:


Third: I went to an 'In and Out Burger' and didn't have one.
Have you ever smelled an In and Out Burger and not straight up devoured one? I once got a Double Double and decided to take a single bite while sitting at a red light and, not only did I inhale the thing, I was able to lick my fingers clean of the sauce before the light turned green. Just thinking about it right now is making my mouth water. But . . . in the greatest triumph of will I have ever experienced, I bought my son his plain cheese burger, fries, chocolate shake, and then came home and heated up some lentil soup.

Four: I discovered that the right side of my body is a disaster.
We're all slightly out of balance, but after years and years of systematic single direction abuse, I can honestly say that I am two halves of two different people. And my poor unfortunate right side. My right arm is fatter by two full inches, my right leg is tubbier by three, and the love handle on my right side starts just slightly under my arm pit and is compellingly bigger than the butt cheek below. If I was a shopping cart, I'd be that one with the wobbly non-conforming wheel that you fight with up and down the aisles. My left side shops at Whole Foods, the right, Walmart.

Lastly Five: Target makes it really hard to find a bathroom scale.
While my wife spent the last of her postive energy shopping for underwear, I skipped over to the other side of the mega store to find a nicer bathroom scale than the one I've got and some vitamins. The vitamins I found quickly and easily and remarkably cheaply. The scale however, huh?, not so much. There weren't any in the Health section. There weren't any in the bathroom section. There weren't any in the appliance section. I did find one in the Athletics section, but it was more than I wanted to spend and the box looked beat up. I also found one in the Electronics section, but it was triple the price of the other one and did all kinds of fancy schmancy things that I could, but most likely won't, care less about.

Did get me to thinking though.

How can a store that is so big it has seven different colors of "My Little Pony" backpacks, yet only two options for something as mundanely common as a bathroom scale?

There could be only two answers.

One, prior to my visit, there was a run on bathroom scales. Like maybe it's somekind of "No Child Left Behind" policy that is requiring 5th graders to measure their weight and the back-to-school shopping is in full swing (hence the backpacks)

or two,

Target shoppers, as a community, don't buy bathroom scales.

A bathroom scale is something you only really need to buy once or twice in your lifetime and Target shoppers probably go to Bed Bath and Beyond for those things.

I should go to Bed Bath and Beyond.

In fact, it's so close that I should walk there.

But i'm not going to.

Cause, you know,


No comments:

Post a Comment