Can I Get A Witness?

So I was in the middle of writing a very boring blog about entropy and the state of an elementary school parking lot when I heard a knock at the door.

The deep cavelike entry way to my front door reverberates just about every sound made and I could easily hear two men talking.

What exactly might two men be doing outside my front door at 10:30 am on a Monday morning?

I mean, there is clearly a 'No Soliciting" sign glued to my front door. Which I can say is usually about 37% effective against unwanted sales people, the other 67% either can't read or don't care.

Drives my wife crazy.

But it's an election year, so there is a good chance I'm gonna be asked about my opinions on the state of the local economy.

My only complaint: I think the death penalty should be used against violators of our current leash-laws and child abusers, but nothing else.

The third possibility . . . well . . . you know . . . Mormons.

I say that sarcastically, cause I have a nephew, whom I love very much, who is a student at BYU, and whom I wish nothing but happiness and success.

I think evangelizing a belief system against all kinds of indifference and opposition creates a certain temerity of the soul. Were that I could find a way to challenge my atheist children with such a task.

I may disagree philosophically, but as long as you like good food, you're always welcome at my table.

Anyway, I wasn't having any success with making entropy funny, so I decided to take a look-see.

The two men, an older gentleman and a young republican, both in suits, both with pleasant smiles, if I were to apply a description that would encapsulate what is probably their entire existence, I would probably say that they were 'Neatly Quaffed'

The older gentleman was holding a well read bible (good for him) and a stack of flyers.

Hi, what can I do for you?

Well, we're here to talk about finding answers to life's big questions. Finding answers through science, or philosophy, or through the word of Jehovah. Where do you find your answers?

Depends on the question, doesn't it? (yes, I actually said that.)

Well, we as Jehovah's Witnesses believe that the answer to all of life's questions can be found here in the [well read] bible. Questions about a happy marriage; I myself have two teenage boys and we all know what that can be like? [The three of us share a moment of joviality, though I suspect that the young republican isn't old enough to remember an era before Wifi] We'd like to tell you about this website,, that can help you in finding answers, not only to those questions, but also those answers to your role in the kingdom of heaven.

The older gentleman handed me his flyer, which I took graciously, I thanked them both and wished them a good afternoon.

Cause . . . why not?

And as I walked back to my kitchen, looking curiously into the leaflet, I realized something;

Despite all the lip service against the organization, the jokes, the taunts, the cultural punchlines;

I realized I know absolutely nothing about Jehovah's Witnesses.

Like . . . nothing at all.

I understand a good chunk of the idea behind the Latter Day Saints, Protestants, Evangelicals, Born Agains, Lutherans, Baptists, Southern Baptists, my wife grew up Catholic, I've read the bible cover to  cover.

I don't know a whole lot about Judaism, but they get the most exciting parts of the Bible.

If you haven't read the Old Testament, do it.

That shit is cray.

But what makes the JayDubs tick?

No idea.

So I looked it up. Their website first, and then, of course, Wikipedia second.

And what the dude told me was pretty much it.

They believe that the answers to all life's questions are there at your fingertips, written on rice paper and leather-bound.

Jehovah [That's God to you] gave us the bible in his own words, and it is through study, prayer, and the strict interpretation of the Watch Tower Society that we can deny the whisperings of the dread Lord Satan and join with Jehovah when he decides to extend the Kingdom of Heaven to include the Earth.

That's actually kinda nice if you think about it.

Stop thinking about stuff so much.

The answers are already there.

You might even say that they were 'Neatly Quaffed.'

They also don't believe in holidays. They think, and rightly so, that holidays we attribute to christianity, Christmas, Easter, July 4th, are in fact pagan rituals and are incompatible with the word of Jehovah.

As a multi-decade retail worker, I can hardly agree more.

They are devout evangelists, and as a multi-decade retail worker, I totally understand turn-over.

They believe in actually studying their bible.

Through strict Watch Tower interpretation, sure, but still, they've read their own book.

Looking at you, just about every other Jesus based religion followers.

So, I think we should take a very un-scientific approach to validating such a novel concept.

Here are the three questions that I am concerned with today:

1. What should I have for lunch?

2. Do I write, rehearse, clean, or spend the rest of my day on

3. How can I save my marriage?

Let's start with number one: What should I have for lunch?

Matthew 14:17 
We have here but five loaves and two fishes.

Tuna salad it is, but I'm on a low carb diet so no bread.

JayDub's get half a point.

2. Do I write, rehearse, clean, or spend the rest of my afternoon on

Matthew 13:52 
Therefore, every scribe which is instructed unto the kingdom of heaven
 is like unto a man that is an householder, 
which bringeth forth out of his treasure things new and old.

Two points for the JayDubs, not only telling me to write (scribe) and clean (householder), but I didn't even have to turn to the index to find the answer, it was right next to the first one.

3. How can I save my marriage?

Arise, and be not afraid.

Total game changer. Put one in the 'Win' column for the JayDubs for not only good sound advice, but also for a perfectly framed penis joke.

Now, I've told you this particular story so that I can tell you the important one.

The Kingdom of Heaven, any of them, all of them, resides in love, laughter, kindness, courage, foot rubs, and two top ten running backs on your fantasy football team.

Most of that can be found in any book you open, most of that can be found in any religion you choose. Most of that can be found in just about everyone you meet (child abusers and violators of leash-laws excluded, of course).

You can find the Kingdom of Heaven just about everywhere you care to look.

Can I get a witness?

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