How to Tuesday: Finding the Remote.

Arthur Dent.

If you don't know who that is, you're forgiven.


Arthur Dent is the main character of Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker series.


And the series is a good read. I promise. And one of his more quoted quotes is that he realized he could never really get the hang of Tuesdays.

Tuesdays are hard.

And the reason why I bring this up is because I've decided to do a little revamping of the blog to include more daily essays. I've always done essays on Mondays and usually something long for the Friday Fives and most recently the Throwback Thursday, which leaves Tuesdays and Wednesdays a bit of a catch all.

Yet . . . as it turns out . . . there are apects to more popular blogs that I've skipped entirely, that is of course, the 'How To' blogs and the 'Review' blogs.

So the new format will include "How to Tuesday" where I teach methods to solve some of life's greater challenges, and "Wednesday in Review" where I'll submit my own warped impressions on the books/movies/musics/TVshows and Penny Saver Ads.

Don't fret, however, Camelot will indeed remain a silly place.

So to launch the new format, the "How to Tuesday", I will begin with last week's greatest challenge and success story:

How to find the TV remote that has been missing for over a month now.

A whole month? How is that even possible? You ask.

Well, I'm kind of a stickler when it comes to pairing components. The reason is that from a visual standpoint, components that are designed by the same people usually look nicer together than ones from different companies. The other reason is, and I may be kidding myself, but it also feels like they work together better. (Hence the reason I am a devotee of Apple products, I just like it when things work, call me crazy)

So, luckily, my TV is made by the same company that made my DVD player, and as it were, the DVD remote has a lot of the same basic funtionailty. Some . . . but not all.

So we were able to turn the TV on, raise and lower the volume, and switch the inputs from DVD to xbox to cable without much fuss.

The one thing we couldn't do was to change the aspect ratio of the wide screen, which, is freakishly irritating when you're flipping between movies and television shows. You either settle for using only a quarter of your big screen's surface area, or heads are cut off.

So a missing TV remote wasn't exactly a sign of the end of civilization, but it really ruined the emersive quality of a good round of Call of Duty.

Hence, the search is on.

Now, searching for the remote might seem ridiculously easy, but we all know that that isn't true at all is it?

There are steps that must be taken, one after the other, there are rules that you must abide by or you will find yourself going over the same areas a hundred times.

First, it's important to remember that the TV remote has only one functionality; To operate the TV. This is good news. You aren't likely to have left it in the car, or have lent it to a friend, so it's a best bet that it's in the same general area where you last used it; Within less than twenty feet of your television. So start there.

Next, the best place for the remote to hide is between the cushions of your couch. Couches are designed to eat remotes, loose change, dorito crumbs and popsicle sticks. Same goes for easy chairs.

If your hand is too chubby to wedge between the cushions then use a child. Any child will do.

If there are no children in your immediate area, consider joining a 'Big Brother' or 'Big Sister' program. It's tax deductable.

Once you have determined that the remote is not hiding in the furnature it's time to look at the potential   surrounding areas where TV can be viewed albeit in a maybe less than ideal location. For instance, my wife likes to have the TV on when she cooks. The TV can be viewed from our kitchen island which makes it ideal to multi task. I, in realtion to that, like to clear all the stuff that piles on the island, so there is a good chance that I accidentily put the remote in the tupperware drawer while tidying up. Drawers are fond of eating things too.

Don't forget to check the fridge. Game of Thrones always seems to make me peckish.

If not in the secondary area, then consider basic surfaces around the house. Remotes can find themselves in lots of places that are non-TV related. Most specifically, check the bathrooms. How many times have you been standing in front of the TV searching for something to watch before you decide to sit down and then realize you have to pee?

If you knew exactly what I was just talking about, it also might be a good idea to strategically leave sanitary wipes in every room of the house you filthy bastard.

Next, check your media shelves. The tops of your DVD collection make a perfect place for your remote to hide along with your Wii games and that utility shelf where you keep extra NS64 controllers, just because. In my house, you also have to check the book shelves because that's where I usuallly go when there is nothing on TV.

You do not have to go look outside. If you went outside at some point, then you wouldn't be watching TV now would you?

Lastly, it's time to go deeper into the matrix.

This step may require you to lift furniture, so if you don't have a willing or helpful roomate, the kind that never does his own dishes, then it's probably time to call a family member with a truck to come help you move.

Our missing remote was only located when I tilted our couch on it's face and found it caught within the recliner springs. To wedge it out required the use of barbecue tongs, mild profanity and adult nudity.

Follow these simple steps and you will find your remote in no time.

And if you still can't find the remote then it's probably a sign from god that you need to go for a walk.

That's how god works.

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