Finger on the Friday Five Button

Slept in late this morning.

It was raining, and I can.

Joann made coffee and turkey pot pies and put a romantic comedy in the blue ray. We listened to the rain and watched Julia Luis Dreyfus fall in love with James Gandolfini.

But then the phone rang, and it really doesn't matter who was calling, neither of us were going to answer it.

Yet, when the land line rings, its not like you can just look down, press a button and be done with it.

Land lines haven't caught up to cell phones in that way.

Land lines keep ringing until the answering machine picks up. And then you have to listen to your own distorted voice from 2006 telling some stranger that we'll call them back which is most assuredly a lie, and then we have to listen to the person leaving the message.

The are fifteen buttons on my home phone.

None of them are a "Shush" button.

My cell phone has a "Shush" button.

In fact, every button on my cell phone is a "Shush" button. You don't even have to try and dig it out from the pocket of your jeans, you just squeeze your pant leg until it stops chirping, or vibrating, or you can just let it vibrate and be happy that something's tickling your squishy parts.

But not the land line.

Whole universes have banged, expanded and collapsed by the time the marketer has finished talking about introductory APR's.

My land line really needs a "Shush" button.

Which lead me to start thinking about other kinds of buttons that other things need.

Here's what came to mind during the awkward romcom moment (You know that moment, where you knew exactly what was going to happen and it starts happening and you kind of have to get up and clear the turkey pot pie bowls from the coffee table):

Five Buttons:

Number One:
The "I Need You to Focus on What I'm Saying" Button.
This button needs to be installed on every child from the age 4 to 18 and every husband ever. Although, as civilization might collapse from over use, the button must cease to work if the conversation turns to either religion or clothes shopping.

Number Two:
The "I Didn't Mean to Hit that Button" Button.
You know when you're trying to check the weather on your smart phone to see if there's going to be rain in Amador county tomorrow and all you want to do is enter the name of the city, but instead you get sent to the internet and Yahoo is insisting that you change your primary browser? And you know you should have hit the Plus button instead of the Yahoo button, but now you have to wait for the internet to load up which takes forever because you forgot to switch the wifi part of your phone back on and it's still trying to run off the 3G network? This will be primarily for all technological gadgets and leaders of countries with nuclear arsenals. It could be voice activated too, like, "Shit . . . Stop . . . Go back!"

Number Three:
The "I Really Need it Not to Rain in Amador County Tomorrow" Button.
I toyed with a general weather button, but there would be too many people fighting over it. Rain, sunny, rain, sunny, there would be no consensus. However, there's a big outdoor winery festival that I'm booked at which will be canceled due to rain. And nobody wants that at all. It's a bit selfish, but it's my list.

Number Four:
The "Would Somebody Just Pick a Place to Eat!?" Button.
Sounds trivial, but you know, and I know, that this would be the most important button ever invented. I could sell a single one of these for 17 million dollars.

Number Five:
The Universal "Pause" Button.
It would kind of be like a Stop Time button, but it works exclusively for video games that are being played anytime up to the moment that dinner is ready or we have to leave right now. Joann and I are the first generation of parents who truly understand the need to find a saving point on the game before it could be turned off. So, of course I feel guilty just shutting off the TV and yelling to go put some shoes on. I too have been in the middle of a very important battle when it came time to go to work or check and make sure the baby hasn't drowned in the pool. Continuity is the problem. Your adrenaline is up and you have this plan mapped out in your head as to how your going to tackle the situation and if you simply hit Pause you lose all your momentum. The Universal Pause button would pause everything else, except you,
and the Fire Demon in the Water Temple.

There could also be an exception that includes the moment when you and your wife are cuddling on the couch listening to the rain, drinking coffee and eating pot pies and sharing a funny moment with Julia Luis Dreyfus. And you can pretend that James Gandolfini is still alive and well and that your gig is still on for tomorrow and nobody has to be picked up.

And the phone never rings.

No comments:

Post a Comment