Final Friday Didn't Get it Five

What's the first thing any modern, consumer driven, eight year old capitalist focuses on the day after christmas?

That's right.

All the things he didn't get.

Actually, that's not entirely true. He's just on a consumption bender. Which is kinda like the white middle class suburban version of meth addiction.

We don't have crack whores out here, we've got Target cleavage.

I told him that if I heard one more thing out of him I was going to make him write out Thank-you cards to everyone he's ever met.

It's been quiet for three hours.

I wanted to write a Final Friday Five, since this will be the last Friday Five of the arbitrary 2013, but the category got way too broad. Was I to write about best things that happened, meals I've eaten, things I've learned, things I didn't learn, things I want to learn by this time I write this same blog 365 days from now? Should it be a wish list, a reform list, a resolution list? Should it be alliterative? Friends, Food, Fat, "Eff's I give" and Fantasy Football?

And then it occurred to me that I rolled my eyes a lot during this last year. Everything from "Did that just really happen?" to "Is that really what you think?" to "Omg Lmfao!"

So here we go: Top Last Friday of 2013 "I just didn't get." Five.

1. Who actually thinks "Bratty" is sexy?
Duck lipped selfies to televised twerking, the social media sphere is just peppered with girls gone wild imagery as if there is this very well organized campaign to publicize 10th grade pajama parties. And I'm not knocking the viral possibilities of looking like a white hot mess in front of millions (You go, Miley, just go) but Lolita was a metaphor, not a training manual for the sale and distribution of sexual perversion, I mean, thanks for letting me see what you're selling, but my question is, Who's buying?

2. What did you actually think the NSA was doing?
Just so we're clear, any time information is transferred from analog to digital, there's going to be a record available for the taking. This includes your voice, your Facebook photos, and your fetish internet searches. The NSA is tasked with gathering and disseminating that information to try and locate enemies of the state. Enemies of the state are determined by the people we vote into office and the companies that pay for their golf retreat weekends. You are tasked with three very simple things. Vote, spend your money wisely, and don't post personal tweaking videos if you don't want to be retweeted on the senate floor.

3. Were you really surprised that there were IT Problems with the National Health Care Act?
Unless you've been attending Burning Man festivals 24/7 for the past twenty years, then there's no possible way you haven't spent a fair amount of time dealing with IT nightmares. Combine the ridiculous ease with which computers don't work with the endless talent of government bureaucracies to slow things down and I'm frankly a little surprised anything happened at all. Now I'm not pontificating on the Act itself, I have mixed feelings because I'm both a bleeding heart socialist and a 40lb Martin Recurve Bow toting Capitalist, but come on, the speed with which it's all coming together is pretty remarkable. I'm less afraid of the Act itself than I am of the constant barrage of GEICO commercials if they ever get into the health insurance racket.

4. Why couldn't the Buffalo Bills open up more holes for C.J. Spiller?
Getting him out into space could not have been that tough people.

5. When did coffee get so expensive?
I'll admit it, I haven't paid for a cup of coffee since the Clinton administration, but I did something the other day that I haven't done in decades; I microwaved an old cup of coffee. Cause I only wanted a half a cup and that's exactly what was left in the pot from earlier in the morning and we're starting to run a little low. Fresh quality coffee has been my mantra, my mission, my soul for so long that I forgot what it was like to treat it as a commodity. I always felt so good about peddling caffeine addiction as a career choice because the price difference between the good stuff and the terrible stuff was only a few dollars. By percentage, that's like picking up a brand new Mercedes Benz for under $20,000. I didn't even have to sell it, I just had to pour it for you. And don't get me wrong, I'm not broke, I'm just cheap and a little lazy, and going out to get something rather than brining it home, factors in my long term decision making. So I'm going to continue reheating coffee and re-steeping my tea leaves at least until the Google drones begin to deliver gourmet cafe arabica at wholesale prices, or my non-profit status is confirmed and I begin accepting donations, for which I will gladly make the eight year old send Thank-you notes.

Merry Happy Holla New Years, Everybody

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