Friday Five: Doctor Edition

Got to spend my Friday morning at the doctors office.

Yay hoo!

The reason is relatively moot, for I had an indescribably severe pain in the lower abdomen yesterday afternoon that could have been anything from appendicitis to exploded ovaries, but will most likely turn out to be a little stress coupled with mixing an IPA with a Boston Lager the night before.

Remember Children: Stout before Ale, all is hale; Ale before Lager will crush you like Frogger.

"Frogger" is a registered trademark.

And a lot of crazy stuff happening at Camp WaitDad. A lot of crazy stuff.

But its all gonna be just fine.

I promise.

Unless it turns out to be my ovaries.

In which case I may have some explaining to do.

Anyhoo, I got to spend the morning at the doctors office with my wife, which, unless you have seen the two of us in action already, is a lot more fun than it sounds.

First, we both like to tell jokes to ease the tension. And we're both pretty funny and there was a lot of tension.

It wasn't exactly Disneyland, but the key to our success is bringing home the gold in ridiculous situations, of which there have been many.

And we have been through our fair share of emergency rooms and advice nurses, psychologists, psychiatrists, podiatrists and aroma therapists.

And all of them have wanted to get to the heart of the problem.

And in order to do this, they have to ask a lot of questions.

A **ck ton of questions.

Although most of the questions are pretty basic, there are a surprising few, that are, well, surprising.

And they tickled us to no end.

We were so tickled that we decided to bring you a Top Five, Most Interesting, Inelegant, and nearly inappropriate questions along with some fun insinuations.

I will list them in chronological order, only because that's how I remember them the best:

1. Are you afraid of anyone in your household?
This was on the questionnaire. And I don't want to insinuate that domestic violence is anything shy of horrendous, or that this question has undoubtably saved lives, but what made us laugh was the disgraceful amount of alternative answers we really wanted to put. "Um, Maybe." "Yes, our children are terrifying." "Is the closet monster considered a member of the household?" "I think my goldfish knows things." "Shhhh, Netflix has eyes." We really are terrible people.

2. On a regular drinking day, how many alcoholic beverages do you consume.?
Well, lets be honest, EVERYDAY is a REGULAR drinking day. Wine is freaking delicious, and it makes me smarter, funnier, and able to face closet monster without rocking back and forth in the fetal position. Do I have a problem? Most likely. Do I know how unhealthy it is? Most likely. Do I know that if I'm going to consume alcohol every day, that I should limit myself two two drinks or less? Fine, but how big are the glasses?

3. Are you taking Nortryptoline and how long has your urine been this color?
So of course I had to pee in a cup at some point, and since I hadn't had any liquids or anything to eat and I'd already peed twice and I'd been sick for over twelve hours, my sample was a little darker than normal. And by darker, I mean the stuff was oompah loompah orange. I'd never seen my pee the color of an unfrozen otter pop before and I wasn't entirely prepared for how warm it was. That being said, I placed the warm jar of otter pop urine on the ledge like I was told to do and walked back to the doctor's room.
After a few minutes quiet shuffling, the nurse burst into the room, almost breathless and asked me if I had taken any Nortryptoline (an antidepressant) and when I told her I hadn't, she asked just as breathlessly if my urine had always been this color, I told her it hadn't. She looked like she didn't believe me, and I swear to god, she squinted her eyes and backed out of the room slowly.

4. How many cups of coffee do you normally drink?
Gee doc, whatever it takes to wake me up after a regular drinking day.

and lastly . . .

with my wife sitting right there,

5. Would you like me to check for any STD's?

Well doc, I know she looks like a dirty whore, but that's okay because we actually don't have sex.


Well doc, I think you should, money's been tight and and I've recently had to settle for handjobs at train stations


What's an STD?


Absolutely not! But would you mind calling my cell later this afternoon on an unrelated issue?


Can closet monsters transmit that sort of thing?

So there you have it. A five within a five. And I'll keep you updated on my ovaries.

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