Side Effects May Include . . .

Don't have the juice for a long thought today.

I've seen two doctors, a specialist, a pharmacist, and a member services practitioner.

Who would have thought that an egomaniac like myself would become physically drained by talking about himself all morning? But there you go.

Yet I think we can all agree that standing in line at the pharmacy is quite possibly one of life's least pleasant adventures, somewhere between delivering a child and a Jerry Lewis marathon.

I always get about halfway through the line before I start to question what I find more excruciating, the pain or the line itself. I usually come to the conclusion that its the line that is more devastating, but seeing as how I've already made the investment of half my day, I continue on like the good little communist I am.

Nice thing is that this new nerve medication is also an anti-depressant.

So I've got that going for me. Side effects may include curly red hair, a dog named Sandy, and a penchant for show tunes.

I break out into song all the time anyway, so I don't think the neighbors will notice a difference.

The other medication, A Non Steroidal Anti-Inflammatory, is totally bereft of musical theater humor. It is and does exactly what it says it does.

Take it with food.

If one doesn't work, take two.

If two doesn't work, take six.

If six doesn't work, take seven.

May cause intestinal bleeding.

I guess doc . . . if you think it's best.

Except, . . . wait a minute . . . okay, here's something reasonably terrifying.

Side effects may include erectile dysfunction.


I just can't imagine myself ever saying "Sorry Honey, not tonight." I mean, I'm not a machine, but there are parts of my anatomy that I would very much like to continue being useful on demand. I can give up cigarettes and In and Out Burgers for the greater cause, but lets not get crazy here. There's a line that needs to be drawn. This is neither the time nor the place to consider a sacrifice on that scale.

The very thought makes my intestines bleed.

However, there is a solution.

But it will require standing in another line.

And now I have some thinking to do.

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