Father's Day Special Five

Oooh. Oooh. It's the first official Father's Day Friday Five!

And in true Friday Five offensive fashion . . .

. . . here are the top Five reasons Fathers are awesome.

(Note: If you are a mom and easily offended, just go ahead and stop reading now, because I will likely poke fun at some of your idiosyncrasies. Especially if you're my mom, who has no idiosyncrasies, and is made of rock, but soft loving rock, Mom, just go ahead and stop reading. Don't worry, I'll write something nice on Monday, after I've eaten all the Father's Day barbecue a man can eat and still fit in his pants.)

(Note Two: Single Moms should celebrate Father's Day too, because they're so kick ass they deserve two holidays, so even though this is a mysogenistic celebration of manly hood, you should be included in the revelry)

Number One:
Fathers don't keep score:
Dad does a lot of stuff for you. Even if most of it is behind the scenes. Remember that bike you got for Christmas? Dad had to get a second job at 7-Eleven to make that happen. Remember that college education? Dad's driven the same pick-up truck for 20 years to make that happen. Moms however, keep track of every pair of shoes, hair cut, misplaced lego, so that when you are in you thirties and want to marry that girl with a tattoo, she can say "How could you even think of marrying that trollop when I made you your favorite meatball sandwich back in the summer of 1993?"

Number Two:
Fathers keep score:
You are essentially the baseball card he can never trade away. Every single accomplishment of yours, from your first "almost" words to the time when you almost but not quite made the junior varsity softball team, is collated and inshrined on a secret invisible merit badge and matching sash that dad keeps behind your mother's shoe rack. I don't know Calvin's blood type, but I know in an instant what his little league pre-kid-pitch batting average was.


And I will always know what his little league pre-kid-pitch batting average was.


Number Three:
Dads can fix things.
Now don't get me wrong: Moms make things better, they make things brighter and more beautiful and their kisses heal wounds and their spit is like a bubble bath . . . and some Dads don't know which end of a hammer you use to screw in a light bulb, but it's his job to fix things. It's really the only thing he's good at.

Number Four:
Dads do not care how many Otter Pops you've eaten.
Please do not ask him again if you can have an Otter Pop. Of course you can have an Otter Pop. Its only a friggin Otter Pop. Just don't get his keyboard all sticky and go outside once in a while

Number Five:
You will never know how much dad loves you.
A Mother's show of love is infinite even if it is sometimes doled out depending on her mood and what you decide to wear on Thursday, but dad keeps his love tight to his chest. He doesn't want you to see the cards he has been dealt and he only has one little "tell"

You can get a glimpse of how much Dad loves you by giving him a hug.

No matter how long or how tightly you hold your arms around him, you will always be the first to let go.

Dad was the first person to hold you and every hug is a window to the very moment he became a man.

Number Five point Five:
Since I am both a father and a Step Father. Since I have both a father and a step father, and since my own father has been a father and an almost, but not quite step-father and he too has a father and a step father, I think I can say unequivocally, Numbers 1through 4 don't change, and as for number five, well, he may not have been the first person to hold you, but go ahead and give him a hug anyway. Because he's fucking awesome.

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