Defense of Marriage Five

(Dear Readers, The following post is meant to be a long winded joke about the Defense of Marriage Act that was recently repealed by the Supreme Court of the United State, or SCOTUS, which is both shorter and funnier. It does however, contain some very strong language, terrible use of cliche, a ton of misogyny, and if not read in the spirit with which it was written could very easily offend just about all of my friends and loved ones. If you decide not to continue reading, no one will know. If you read this and are offended, I'm terribly sorry. If you read this and are not just a little mortified, then wow, what can I say, I did my best.)

Everybody knows what a fervent Bill Clinton fan I can be when I feel like it, so suffice it to say how mortified I was when the Supreme Court overturned his land-mark Defense of Marriage Act (or Doh Ma!) earlier this week. What really grinds my gears is that the staunch defenders have yet to come up with a single reasonable argument against the court's decision.

It's almost as if there is absolutely no reason to stahp homosexuals from enjoying the same sacred unions enjoyed by Kim Kardashian on multiple occasions.

So as we close out the month of June, here are Five actual reasons why marriage SHOULD continue to be defined as being between a man and a woman:

1. Disruption of the Family Values
What is to happen after Thanksgiving dinner when the men sit down to watch football and the women wander off to that kitchen place to magically remove left over food from the plates and make desert appear? Where are the gays and lesbians to go? And what if they both like football and there's not enough room on the couch? What if both of them are Wiccan and there aren't enough dishes to be cleaned with magic?

Without clear gender roles, chaos could ensue and grandma could die.

2. Check Please.
Customer service is hard enough as it is without adding on the complication of deciding who to hand the bill to. In fact, homosexuals should have to dine in separate areas and the partner with the highest credit limit should have to wear a white carnation in their left lapel signifying that dinner will be on them tonight.

3. Jobs, Jobs, Jobs
You know who will lose their jobs? Catholic Priests. Weddings are big money, and all that effort going into learning latin will be thwarted because the groom's college roommate can now get a certification online. You know who will also lose their jobs? Caterers who don't have a vegan option. That's right. If all the choices are chicken and steak, you're gonna be out of business real quick. And please don't tell me that there is no correlation between homosexuality and vegetarianism, the whole organic food movement coincided with the pilot episode of "Will and Grace", and if there's not a conspiracy somewhere in there I'll eat my broccoli.

4. The Environment.
What's the first thing married couples do when they get home from their honeymoon? That's right, they throw out all their duplicated stuff. And we all know that homosexuals like the same things, so every time two gay men get married our landfills will become inundated with bear skin rugs and vinyl ABBA records and every time the lesbians get together the city dumps will be flush with power tools and healing crystals. Smoke tinted sunglasses have a half-life of twenty-seven billion years. Do you really want that on your conscience? Do you?

5. The Death of Satire
Funny is only funny if someone gets hurt. The best way for me to tell if I'm doing my job correctly is if I can imagine my wife reading my stuff and then having to make phone calls to apologize to people. So, if gay couples can get married, and I poke fun at homosexuality, then no one's gonna want to play on my Trivial Pursuit Team on Married Couple's Night, which is something we've haven't really discussed doing yet, cause it seems mean to exclude our unmarried gay couple friends from Married Couple's Night, just because they're gay and can't get married. But thanks to the overturning of DOMA the point is moot. If we ever want to host a Married Couple's Night, and I insist on making some off color jokes using homosexual stereotypes, we're just gonna have to go out and get more heterosexual married friends.

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