Read this nifty little article about how bad for you artificial sugar is.

What a shocker.

The article came up on my Facebook feed, so its best to take with a grain of salt.

And not artificial salt either. Pure Sodium Chloride.

There were a lot of things in the article that I didn't know; things like how Splenda is actually in a family of chemicals that are all poisons, and how much of that poison stays in your system.

Of course many rats had to die to bring me this information.

They are always the first to go.

But my thoughts wandered somewhere between swollen kidneys and brain cancer because it occurred to me that we already know how bad for us that stuff is.

And of course you could retort that if people knew how bad it is to be ingesting so many metric tons of poisonous chemicals, they would stop doing so and by their own virtue, live forever.

But they haven't stopped. So they must not know.

To which I reply "Of course they know"

They know.

They know and they just don't care.

Which is actually false. They do care. Life could not exist unless it was fundamentally driven by self preservation.

They know and they care.

They just don't care enough at the exact moment they decide to put that little packet in their coffee.

And something else occurs to me as I write this;

I know hundreds of people who ingest that stuff every day.


I know their names, their occupations, what kind of car they drive and what sports their children play.

But most importantly I know what they drink.

And a lot of them are knowingly poisoning themselves.

And I should take a little responsibility and do something about that.

But when I start to think about it, it also occurs to me that the vast majority of the people who poison their coffee in my little shop also happen to be the vast majority of the people I don't like very much.

In fact, the more I think about it, there is almost a perfect inverse relationship between fake sugar consumption and my affections.

Of course there are a few exceptions. And if you're reading this you are one of them. I know because if you're reading this, you most likely find me funny, which means we're automatically friends, and I love you.

But I can count you all on my left hand.

Which means, statistically, if you are a fake sugar consumer, there is only a 2% chance I'm gonna like you.

I think I'm going to refer to this phenomenon as my very own artificial superficiality.

Sing THAT back to yourself.

Artificial Superficiality

Artificial Superficiality Expialadocious.

Yet I'm not sure if condemning someone to kidney failure and brain cancer is an appropriate measured response to finding someone mildly insufferable, so I should probably say something, or at least move it out of their reach as if it was Halloween candy and they are all seven.

But I'm not going to.

Cause I am just a little evil. And cause I'm a diabolic mastermind with extremely long term and statistically insignificant plans.

But mostly cause they all know what they're doing.

They've got Facebook feeds of their own.

And if I take a little sociopathic glee from watching a select group of people feed their free radicals and then, like the hypocrite I am, polish off a double quarter pounder in six bites, don't think me a monster.

Though I may not be the model of a modern major general, it is only artificial diabolic superficiality.


Writing is hard.

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