Super Sunday Seven

My Dad came up for a visit on Friday. We got to shoot the shit and play a little catch with the grandson. Couple glasses of wine, barbecued chicken, and a nice little mixed green salad. Thoroughly enjoyable, visit.

'Cept all y'all were cheated out of some Friday Five.

Then I was going to follow up with a Special Saturday Six, but my wonderful mother dropped off fixins for taco salads, and there ain't no workin allowed on Taco Salad night. When mom comes to take care of you, you drop what you're doing, goddam it.

Not to worry. I got up especially early today (before 10am) so's I could bring to you a Super Special Sunday Seven:

Now this list deserves some "Splainin" because on the surface it might be deemed terribly misogynistic. Well, actually, it is terribly misogynistic, so my female fans might be a bit annoyed. If you are a female fan and annoyed, I would love to hear from you. If you are a guy and annoyed, feel free to grow a pair.

So last week my Uncle Matthew posted a blog to nominate Lovely Actresses with Stinky Careers.  This was of course in response to the previous evenings Oscars, which leads one to thinking about previous Oscar winners, which leads to thinking about previous Oscar winners who led terrible careers afterwards, which leads all men to think about incredibly hot chicks who have won Oscars, but then went on to lead terrible careers.

Why not hot men who have won Oscars and followed up with terrible careers (Adrian Brody)?

Long Explanation: Bloggers tend to see more traffic to their sites when there are pictures posted. Pictures of pretty women tend to trend exponentially higher than pictures of sexy men and only slightly below cute kitties. (Perfectly reasonable parallel)  Since the goal of blogging is to pontificate for as many people as possible, it's only good business sense to run nominations for a pole that would allow you to post pictures of pretty women.

Short Explanation: Penis.

The rules of the nomination were simple: Brand Name, Above the Title, Biggest Face on the DVD cover, Known to be excellent, Beautiful Women, whose good movie to total crap ratio is an all time low.

Lovely Actresses, Stinky Careers.

Since WaitDad is both a pop culture blog and family treatment center, I immediately grabbed a a yellow pad, a pen, a big glass of sparkling water and went to town. I even included my wife, who is no slouch when it comes to pop culture references, and within about ten minutes that yellow pad was full.

Little embarrassing.

So I toned it down a bit.

I decided to nominate five lovely actresses, with stinky careers, all named Jennifer.

I regret nothing.

Anyhoo, the finally tally is up and here are the nominees for the Seven Best Prettiest Actresses with the largest tally of bad movies under their belt:

1. Jennifer Aniston*
2. Halle Berry
3. Sarah Michelle Gellar
4. Nicole Kidman
5. Milla Jovovich
6. Jennifer Lopez*
7. Charlize Theron

*My Jennifers. (The others were Garner, Love-Hewitt, and Grey)

Since multiple choice is about the process of elimination (They taught me that in an SAT class in the early 90's), I am going to break down this list so that the only reasonable choice is clear:

First, eliminate the girls who almost but don't quite make the list, which means Milla Jovovich has got to go. Sure she has made two watchable films (Dazed and Confused, The Fifth Element), but she was stoned in one and nearly mute in the other. She only scores high for super hotness, but that isn't enough. Not for this list.

Sarah Michelle Gellar also drops off the list. She made a couple of terrible post Buffy the Vampire Slayer movies, but if you watch the final season, you can she she was both exhausted and bored. Scooby-Doo was made just so she could goof off with husband Freddie Prinze Junior and then it seems they both just dropped off from the face of the planet so they can be rich and beautiful and not pestered about it. She lives happily ever after as far as I'm concerned, and if you're not trying, then you're not making the list.

I also feel strongly that Oscar winners shouldn't be included.

For the rest of their lives they will always be "Oscar Winning Insert Name Here" Which means they have nothing left to prove. Which means that they can pick projects based on who they'll be working with, how exotic the location is, and how much fun they think their gonna have during the shoot.

Concept before script is a recipe for disaster (disaster movies that is) so to hold Charlize Theron responsible for The Road cause she's got a girly crush on Viggo Mortensen is a little unfair.

I also think when Nicole Kidman went platinum blonde something went terribly wrong. Part of her soul died. So we simply can't count the last 23 movies of her career. Even with Batman Forever still in play, her ratio of good to bad is still pretty high, and Dead Calm was some of the super sexy scariest shit I have ever seen on film.

Halle Berry, the inspiration for the pole in the first place is really tough. Super hot, super talented and the gives the only watchable performances in almost everything that she's done. Which is bad movie after bad movie after bad movie. She would be the absolute queen of this pole if not for the oscar win.

She's gonna win by the way, so you other pollsters can just shut up.

That leaves us with the two Jennifers.

Jennifer Aniston and Jennifer Lopez.

Both exceedingly high on the beautiful scale (With the slight advantage to Lopez cause WaitDad prefers curves.)

Both with only one or two watchable movies under their belts (With the slight advantage going to Aniston, because she's given some good performances in bad movies, while Lopez has been a slave to the bad script.)

But I'm going with Lopez.

And there are two reasons:

First: Aniston has really really tried to make good movies. She's done some highly rated indies, and when she's been saddled with RomComs, she's done them with an impressive string of interesting premises, interesting leading men, and good intentions all around.

She's just had some terrible luck.

She keeps trying to make Sgt. Peppers and ends up with Magical Mystery Tours.

It's sad, but I have faith that she'll find her stride. We haven't seen what she can really do yet.

Jennifer Lopez, on the other hand, is an ABSOLUTE ICON. She is a Brand Name. She is a commercial powerhouse. Movie's, Music, fragrances and clothing lines. She's instantly recognizable, a paparazzi darling and has given dimensional derrières the dominance they deserve.

But aside from one movie with George Clooney called "Out if Sight" has she ever done ANYTHING of significance? ANYTHING of relevance? ANYTHING good? 22 albums, 35 movies, hundreds of TV appearances, Jennifer Lopez ain't no Paris Hilton, but even in my vast collection of pop culture crap, I have yet to pay one cent toward her royalties.

And the best part? She's probably the one person on this list I wouldn't be uncomfortable around.

I would totally have a beer with Jenny from the block without feeling awkward.

So with the highest rated beauty, super approachability, awesome chops, and terrible choice in projects, I vote for Jennifer Lopez 2013.

I mean come on, she endorsed the new Fiat for christ sake, easily the stupidest looking car of the 21st century.

and I drive an Echo.

vote here:

1 comment:

  1. Hey, Nef! Thanks for the excellent explanation of your choices. You defended your Ph.D. thesis in pop culture for sure.

    I disagree about throwing out the Oscar winners out of hand, but I won't say it isn't a valid choice.

    Next week is guys with some good films and stinky careers. (Not judging the prettiness so much. As a heterosexual male, after guys fall below the Cary Grant/George Clooney level, I am no judge.) Adrian Brody is NOT the archetype here. Your Auntie Karla and I agree the prime example of the modern era is Cuba Gooding Jr.