To Referee or Not to Referee?

Calvin's soccer league will not supply referee's because there were too many angry parents throwing shit fits at teenage refs for failing to see that Little Johnny clearly kicked in that goal.

I don't know who Little Johnny is, but I hate him and his ilk.

So the coach has been begging for parent volunteers.

Here are five reasons why I should not volunteer:

I know nothing about soccer.
You'd think that would end the debate, but honestly, how much does one really need to know. Don't kick it out of bounds. Don't use your hands. Don't kick Little Johnny in the dick cause his mom's a litigious bitch.

I'd have a hard time not coaching my own son.
My boy is very bright. He is strong and he is fast. He has no fucking clue what's going on at practice and he's such a sweet little kid that when the other team steals the ball from him he roots for them to score. It's not about the competition to him, and yet there is some kind of monster in me that wants so badly to see my son push Little Johnny out of the way, and Beckham Bend that ball straight into the goalie's solar plexus so hard that both the boy and the ball fall into the goal. It would suck to have to yellow card my own son for doing something I was clearly yelling at him to do.

I'd have a hard time not telling other parents to shut the fuck up.
Remember that monster I was telling you about? Well other parents have it too, without my charm, education, or experience in adrenaline fueled social settings. I haven't hit someone in the face since I was a sophomore in high school. And I wasn't very good at it then. I can't imagine how bad I'd be at it now, but I do have extensive experience with shutting people down when they piss me off, however, its a side of me I'm not sure I want Calvin to see until he starts becoming an out of control teenager.

I don't have a whistle.
And I'm not putting my lips on some filthy thing that came from a fat man's glove compartment.

I'm afraid I might make a mistake.
This is the reason why I will probably do it.

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