Inking the Friday Five

Had a good laugh at dinner tonight cause my sister mentioned that my niece just got a tattoo. 

It's a mermaid. 

On her calf. 

I've heard it's very pretty.

Neato. 

Now I would never actively discourage any teenage girl from doing anything she had her mind set on, cause once she's had her mind set on something, because not only will she tell you to go fuck yourself, she will also run out of the house crying, and proceed to do something that is twice as dangerous than the thing you were trying to council her not to do.  You just have to forget about logic and hope to god that you're around when she's forty so you can laugh at her face for being so ridiculous.

I have boys. 

God loves me and wants me to be happy. 

So I'm too late to add some advice to the mermaid calf tattoo, but I can boast the five reasons I will never nor never had a tattoo inked on my skin. 

1.
My mom would be pretty pissed. Her rule was that if I ever wanted a tattoo I'd have to put a picture of it on my wall for at least a year before I etched it on my epidermis. And, frankly, I piss off my mother enough as it is. 

2.
Don't like pain. Tattoos hurt. 

3.
Don't like spending money. Tattoos cost a lot. Like cases of good wine. 

4. 
Don't like explaining my decisions. Everyone who sees it is gonna ask. Or worse, they're gonna glare. Or super worse, they're gonna wanna show me theirs. 

5. 
I'm not sentimental. Tattoo people are sentimental  people. Each tattoo is a commemoration of something in their lives for which they want to last forever. They want to wear their hearts on their sleeves. They want a physical representation of what they are and what they've done and how they've felt and people they've loved or pets they've raised or wars they've fought or children they're proud of or themes they believe in or gods they worship or images they want to be associated with or bad decisions they've made. 

I, however, am a mystery. 

And I prefer it that way. 

Cause I'm cheap. 

And I have enough pain in my life. 

And I dont want to disappoint my mother. 

Feeling Good

Today intentionally wasted.

Wasted, I say.

I've got writing work to do,
I've got music work to do,
I've got work work to do,

And I will do none of it.

None of it.

Cause I don't have to and you can't make me.

I will water the garden.

Only because I'm not a monster.



Fifteen Minute Five

Kay.

Race is on.

I've got fifteen minutes to write, post, and distribute today's Friday Five before my wife drags me out to do some food shopping.

Family Time.

So in honor of my quick turn around, here is Five things one could do in fifteen minutes. (Note: this list will not include all the dirty stuff you just thought of.):

Number One: Empty your email box.
For some, this could take moments. For others this could take years. I usually knock this out in about fifteen unless Guitar Center is having its biggest weekly sale of the century.

Number Two: Make Mac n Cheese
Boil water. Add Pasta. Wait till pasta is soft. Add powder and butter and tuna and maybe some leftover broccoli and viola.

Number Three: Listen to the B Side.
My uncle posted a pole for the Best A Side of an album of all time. I love his poles, but I couldn't play cause I'm only thirty seven and I've never owned a record player. Shush you vinyl heads, I'm cool, but I'm not analogue cool

Number Four: Groom a boy
Trim nails. Brush teeth. Mat down hair. Clip a few grey whiskers. Add a pinch of Old Spice.

Number Five: Get an eight year old out of the house and into the car.
Oh he will kick, he will scream, he will whine, he will beg, he will forget you ever asked him anything and he doesn't know where his shoes are. he will forget his sword, he will forget his Nintendo DS, he will still not be able to find his shoes, but this time he needs a drink of water. And he has to pee. Which he does right on his shoes.

Fifteen Minute Five:

In five
four
three
two . . .