And if you hadn't noticed, it's because you live nowhere near a television, haven't checked your mail in six weeks, or there is a very good chance you're Canadian.
Now to be honest . . . this isn't a very exciting election. Mid-Term ones are like that. No one wants to fully rock the boat until 2016 when all hell is scheduled to break loose. You might want to put that on your calendar and stock up on fresh water and canned goods. If you're a gun owner, you probably want to stock up on ammo and stash it in different places around your neighborhood.
I'm not a gun owner and although I may talk a good game, my archery skills probably won't take down anything slower than a vegetarian. But I have seen enough Walking Dead to know that what I really need is a sword.
So today isn't really sexy, but here's the thing; Vote.
You gotta.
I know it's boring and you're really not sure who or what you were planning on voting for and your wife really wants you to do something about the front lawn and you haven't fully decided on your fantasy football line-up for Week 10, but all the same.
This is the day that seperates Americans from almost 67% of the rest of the world.
This is the day that should be a national holiday, but kids under eighteen still have to go to school.
Today is the day that you get that little oblong sticker to put on your lapel that says "I Voted"
Unless you don't have a lapel or you vote by mail, in which case . . . La Di Dah Mr. 21st Century.
Anyway, for How To Tuesday (Special Election Edition) here are a few things you might wanna know before you take to the plastic booth, and if it's your first time . . . don't worry . . . I'll be gentle.
Step One: Know where you're going.
Your polling place is most likely a school or a firehouse in your neighborhood. Drive around in concetric circles until you find one.
Step Two: Go early.
You will want to find that magic hour between the Breakfast Special Old People and the Lunch Time Soccer Moms. Parking is important.
Step Three: Bring a pen.
You won't need it. They have them there. But just in case . . . and it also makes you look like you're an old hand at this. Everyone respects old hands.
Step Four: Know what all the Buzz Words mean (here is a little glossary):
Job Creation = Giving rich people money.
Unions = Higher Prices at Whole Foods.
Pelosi = The taste in the back of your mouth after you've thrown up for the third time.
ObamaCare = A thinly veiled attack on our family values
Family Values = The last call for Sociopathic/Pedofiles who were rejected by the church
Your Tax Dollars = Only applies if you don't have off-shore accounts . . . rube.
Written By Lawyers = To scare children without having to say "Boogey Man"
Pork = The magical animal where all the good things come from
Reaching Across the Aisle = No moral compass
Tea Party = An actual tea party with crumpets and Earl Gray and Maggie Smith and people in the background trying to play tennis on grass.
Step Five: Fill in the holes completely.
Step Six: Get your sticker.
Wear it proudly. If someone doesn't mention the sticker in the first thirteen seconds of a conversation you are legally obligated to rub your chest up against their face. Also, and this is true, you're entitled to a free flat screen TV at your local Walmart. Just go in and say that you've just fought for their freedom and are ready for your 67" Bravia. Do not accept the LG. LG's are for peasants.
Step Seven: Freedom
You have just participated in one of the greatest triumphs of the human race.
Go ahead and run some red lights.
You deserve it.
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