The Fly Day Five

I couldn't think of things to write.

Actually . . . that's not true at all.

I wrote other things all morning.

Just not this thing.

So around 1 o'clock, I decided to just lay down a bit and grab a nap.

Not an "I'm really tired" or "I'm really bored" kinda nap, but more like maybe if I let my mind drift a bit I'll think of something clever." kind of nap.

The A/C would turn on and off. There were lawns being mowed and the house creaked on and off. But the one noise that kept not letting my mind drift was the sound of a housefly caught between the blinds and our sliding glass door.

Bzzzt.

[Pause}

Bzzzt.

[Scratching]

Bzzzt.

Now my wife is that master of the trapped fly. All she has to do is to wonder over to the glass door, wait for the fly to hang close to the openening and then she opens the door and the fly flies away.

I don't have that skill.

The one I'm good at is where I open the door and another fly flies in.

Or the fly goes out, but a mosquito flies in.

I do have some what of a mastery with the whole swatting at the fly with a wettish towel, but I have shattered windows and broken furniture doing this.

Still satisfying though.

Half dead fly buzzing around in little circles on the floor. The end is nigh.

Yet as I lay there, thinking about not just my own fly predicament, but all of ours, it occured to me that we could never possibly erradicate all the flys in the world (and it would be irresponsible to do so . . . GreenPeace and all), but since flies have been on the forefront of gentetic experimentation since genetic experimentation became a thing, I was thinking we should genetically alter flies to be more meaningful in our lives.

Like One: Make them all Hot Pink. 

Black flies are dull and uninteresting too look at. But just imagine if they were Hot Pink. It could revolutionaize interior decore. In fact, not only make them Hot Pink, but also make the entire make up of there anatomy different colors so when you splatted them against the wall they would pop like a paint ball and instead of a nuisance you now have art.

Or Two: Freon Blood.

What if on a hot day all those pesky flies could cool the air around them. What if one day you actually wanted them to fall into you beer or you pinot grigio in order to keep the cold stuff cold? Hmm?

Or Three: Excretions of SPF

We all know that what makes flies disgusting is that they vomit bile on top of their food until is disolves and then suck it back up again once it liquifies.

Shudder.

But what if in tropical or at least warmer climates Fly Bile was made of sun-tan lotion. Think about it. Pesky fly lands on your arm, you wait, then shoo it away and then rub the rest of the SPF into your skin.

That might just cure cancer.

Although can you imagine ten years after that a bunch of GreenPeace kids standing outside of the Whole Foods with "Save the Cancer" signs?

Or Maybe Four: Scented Flies

What if all you had to do to recover that 'New Car" smell is to leave your windows rolled down while you run into the supermarket to grab that onion that you swore you had and can't make the soup without? What if as they buzz around they scent the air with flower fragrances, or musk, or pine? And when they died, you could collect all their little scented bodies and light them on fire like a scented candle when guests come over.

Actually, What we really need is Number Five:

A life span of exactly 24 minutes, so the you may enjoy the last half of your afternoon nap in silence.

Yay.