Marital Bliss Five

Ever have one of those moments when your bed mate rolls over and suddenly you have, like, an extra 35% of the mattress all to yourself.

Suddenly the world is filled with luxury that you never really believed existed. Suddenly your legs don't even have to touch. Suddenly you can spread yourself in the most glorious fashion anyone has ever conceived of. All you can do is pray that nobody noticed, cause suddenly, the world is your oyster.

I imagine its how the Russians feel about Crimea.

But all of that aside, since it was 2:00am and I really had nothing else to think about, it occurred to me that there are these certain moments of married life that are absolutely transcendent.

Now, clearly I would know nothing about this, since the eleven years Joann and I have been sewn together, have been just a constant string of blissful moments, one right after another, only excluding the time we couldn't find a coffee shop in L.A. and accidentally took a tour through Compton. But even perfection gets a facelift from time to time.

Again, it was 2am.

And I had, like, 35% of the bed to myself.

And I kinda gotta keep it clean, cause , well, you know, this is a family show.

So for my Friday Five, I bring you some of the highlights in no particular order:

Number One:
Ever come home, only to find that that thing your really didn't want to do, was already done? Awe yissss. Mowing the lawn, emptying the dishwasher, cleaning out the garage, organizing your DVD collection in chronological order based on when the movie takes place? Hint: Star Wars comes first. Yeah, just about nothing like it, except for the next four.

Number Two:
Ever come home to a dinner so perfect that you didn't even know it was exactly what you wanted? You open the door expecting to fight over who has to make the Taco Bell run and you smell steak, potatoes, and some kind of amazing garlic vegetable dish that is both nutritious and delicious? Oh and I got three more.

Number Three:
Ever been to a party? Ever forced yourself to stay because you know the two of you should be socializing with people? Ever had that moment where she takes you half empty wine glass, downs it like she was a frat boy at a Coors Light Convention, and tells you that we absolutely need to go now? NO excuses, no kids to put to bed, just, we need to leave now.

Number Four:
Underwear straight out of the dryer. Yeah, you could do this yourself, but chillingly, you never even think about it.

Number Five:
You've got a long drive ahead of you. The bags are packed, the kid is already zoning out on his iPod, there are three water bottles for each of you, and a box of Cheez-Its in a bag by your feet.

You look down at your gauges.

You take a breath.

You start your engine.

You count to three.

Gas tank = Full.

Need I say more?