Fun With Global Warming Five

So it's January 17th, 2014

And the mercury is just about touching 80 degrees.

Biknini weather.

Now my liberal friends are throwing a Global Warming barbecue to celebrate man's destruction of the atmosphere by lighting food on fire using a solar cooker. I'd feel oddly hypocritical driving up there in my SUV, but you can take my V-6 when you can pry my cold dead hands off the steering wheel.

My conservative friends are concerned about what this drought is going to do to their lawns but excited for all the extra golfing they get to do in February.

I'm just pissed that there isn't enough snow to go sledding this year. 

This will not contain a lecture on Global Warming, except to say that renewable energy is going to have to happen anyway at some point in humanity's history. Let's just get on with it shall we?

It doesn't matter to me how you feel about the subject, but for the sake of a good time, lets just imagine that Global Warming is real and consider some of the advantages that come with the rising tides.

Beach Front Property:

I live in the Sierra Foothills just above the state capitol of California. So, if the Pacific Ocean ever does spill into the Central Valley, my little half plex could be smack dab in the middle of the new Marin county and, ironicaly, won't be underwater any longer.

Polar Bears:

Sure they look all cuddily, but Polar Bears are extremely dangerous, pathological liars, and it's kind of time for Coca Cola to get a new mascot anyway, right?

Underground Cities:

Insurance companies will soon no longer cover any home built above ground in the hurricane zones, which will be just about everywhere. Think about it. And start imagining a new life of artificial lighting, spray tans and airport style people movers. Didn't you always want an indoor pool?

Mellow Noma:

Sick of the color pink? Me too. In fact I thinks it's about time that skin cancer awareness pushes boobies off their pedestal. (This is terribly unfunny, since melanoma runs rampant in my own genetic line, and will most likely be exactly how the universe shuffles off my mortal coil, but I just couldn't pass up the chance to say boobies. There, I've said it. Boobies.)

More Canada:

With all the ice melting, our great sister state will soon quadruple the land available to suburban sprawl. As America's greatest source of foreign oil, comedic actors, and IHOP condiments, the great nation of Canada will, within just a few genterations, be able to deliver ten times the wholesome goodness it's known for. And maybe, just maybe this quiet world power will be able to compete in the Summer Olympics and take home as many silver medals as China or the Russians.