Friday Five: The Good Book

Heard this conversation today:

Girl 1: I saw Susie at the abortion clinic yesterday.
Girl 2: Really? (Pause) What, um, were you two doing there?
Girl 1: Praying.
Girl 2: (clear sigh of relief) Oh, that's right, she's been talking about doing that. How is she doing? . . .

Now before you get your Jesus panties rustled, I have no intention of ranting. God bless. I'm a healthy, middle class white male. I don't need to rant. I vote.

But for Susie, dear Susie, who is most likely a plain faced slightly chubby girl, with an active, yet prescriptive social life, I offer you a little advice with my Friday five:

First, since your scripture condemns unbaptized children to hell, Jesus is about as likely to listen to your pleas for salvation as closely as he did your father's prayers for a son.

Second, heart disease destroys more lives than abortion does, so you really should be praying across the street from Taco Bell if you want to have the biggest bang for your buck.

But I get it. The horror. The immediacy. The finality. The hope that your actions can turn aside just one. That your presence could save just one life. But it won't. The decision has already been made and all you've done is made a horrible situation just a little worse. And when you die, St Peter isn't just going to show you the book of your life, he's going to show you your life through the eyes of the people around you, and trust me, you're gonna want that to be a good read.

So here, Susie, are five better things to make your book a better read.

Learn something:
Heaven is paved with the ignorant. Be a tour guide and not a stone.

Cook something:
Great joy is to be had through food, music, and sex, but since you shouldn't participate in the latter two, at least master the first.

Clean something:
Cleanliness is next to Godliness. (I believe this with every fiber of my being)

Earn something:
God clearly needs the money. Get a job and then give him some.

And Sin:
Every good book needs a hero and you can't be a hero in your suburban wonderland. You need a little spice. You need a little adversity. You need to hit a few bottoms to make the climb to the top that much more thrilling. You need to do some drugs, and have some dangerous sex, and be forced to choose between two horrible decisions. Jesus didn't gather a bunch of plain looking chubby middle class suburbanites. Jesus hangs with thieves and whores and thugs, because they not only make better dinner guests, but one cannot bask in the glory of the lords forgiveness without ever having done anything bad in the first place.

Good luck Susie.